my ODYC

Resilience.

2009-08-29T23:53:00.002-05:00

John Piper just posted this link on Twitter. Watch it first, then finish reading this post.

The technology was there. The technology was accurate. It was Trisomy 18, a genetic disorder I didn't even know existed. From what it looks like, Trisomy 18 causes cleft and bilateral pallets, incomplete heart and brain development and I'd imagine some kind of spinal abnormalities. No one survives this. Utterly fatal. Yet with all the information, all the knowledge, all the assuredness that these signs on the ultrasound really meant Trisomy 18, the parents courageously determined to see their son through delivery. And they did, as he was born with abnormalities and deficiencies which marred his face and body, yet somehow still retained the preciousness and beauty which can only be seen in an infant. He was their son. He was one of them. He was Thomas.

My mind is fully incapable of understanding the insurmountable pain this mother and father experienced in five short days. To watch their son gasp and gulp for oxygen, turn blue, think that Thomas was gone yet have him bounce back for a few more hours of life must have been torture. Four times, FOUR TIMES they were sure he had gone home to be with the Lord, yet with a hickup he was back gasping for more.

Then it was time. Resting on his sleeping father's chest, Thomas' heart succumbed to the twisted, tangled genetic code inside his every cell. They awoke to an empty vessel. His suffering had ceased.

The heart can tolerate degrees of pain unknown to the common man. By God's empowering grace, expecting parents can go to the funeral home to pick out a child's coffin who hasn't even been born yet. Financial decisions had to be made, knowing full well that their child just isn't going to make it. What that must have felt like I may never know. All I know is that some how, some way, God was glorified through all of this. His methods of glory are far too beyond our concepts and constructs. I think that is good.

This kid

2009-03-01T22:44:00.003-05:00

After meandering around Home Depot trying to find velcro without the adhesive backing (a one hour ordeal), I walked out to my car and a late twenty-something dad pulled up next to my car. He unbuckles his eighteen to twenty-four month old son from the backseat and holds him in his arms. This kid got my attention from the second I saw him. Whispy locks and brown eyes so deep you could sink. I stuck my tongue out at him and he gives me this look with such inquisitiveness, his two year old eyebrows furrowed. As his dad carries his son into the store, with his tiny head bobbling up and down behind his father's shoulder and arm around his neck, I make a more exaggerated silly face with my eyes crossed. He lights up, a smile as wide as the sea, such joy and life in this kids face. I began to chuckle heartily, started my car and drove off. His joy became contagious as my cheeks tired, amazed at the wonder and mystery of children.

What is it about them that brings such laughter and satisfaction? Is it their innocence or ignorance of what surrounds them? I don't know, nor do I need to know. I am content with the experience itself, nothing more. What a task to describe the rich joy of a child's smile, how much more if they are your own? Perhaps He'll allow me to experience it for myself, one day.

yikes!

2009-02-23T23:24:00.002-05:00

it's not that i don't have novel thoughts or ideas, i just that, well, whatever. there's no obligation here, perhaps some nonverbal expectations i have/had as to the frequency of my blogging.

things are so different now. things are not the way i thought they would be, from the inside that is, not the outward appearance. my heart stirs in different ways, ways i'm not accustomed to. after moving back to florida, i feel i've lost something or perhaps not lost but rather i'm struggling to find what it is i'm looking for in my new context. this new context is eye-opening, to say the least. few things challenge and reveal your convictions as when you are alone, out in the wilderness where, for all intensive purposes, you are free to do whatever you wish. withdrawn from the community that stirs my heart, that surges with such thick love, i find myself waning and realizing i'm not the spiritual giant i once thought. i could throw prepositional excuses validating whatever state you want to call this, but it's merely futile and profits nothing.

where are my commitments?
where are my convictions?
do i really believe the Great Commission?
do i rest on laurels or count all as loss?

amidst all of this, i see a vision resurfacing, a dream drawing the puzzle pieces to itself. i see a way of life which forces all other options to peel off of the corridor of possibilities. constantly surrounded by wealth, glamour and must-haves, these that surround me swing at the air, beating their chests. i don't need a life strapped with money for it leaves its followers with hearts as cold and hard as the cash itself. somewhere along the line i bought into the lie, that i would find purpose, value and comfort if i only had money. perhaps He allowed me to be unemployed for the past few months to allow these issues to rise to the surface, the dross of this Process.

there is a lot i'm trying to say in so few words, yet i'm finding it incredibly hard to form some of these thoughts right now. there are changes i want to see in my heart, in my mind, some which are seemingly contradictory or paradoxical. i want to be more unsure about things while knowing what i know all the more a divine dance between Mystery and Truth. i want to be less overt yet louder still. i want to grasp love and hate in healthy doses, understanding their delicate balance. i eagerly look forward to the changes ahead and the struggles within.

Bogus Black Friday?

2008-11-28T00:41:00.003-05:00

I wanted to post something I've been thinking about for the majority of the day today, well after my mind was sated with the glorious candied yams. Ever since I appeared on this earth twenty-two years ago, Black Friday has always been know as the "largest shopping day of the year". If I remember correctly, we as Americans spent $7 Billion on Black Friday in 2007.

$7,000,000,000!

That's an absurd amount of money. And the thing that I can't figure out is what are they buying? Local network news stations around the country will be reporting from their local Best Buy and Wal-Mart in four hours to interview the ravaged shopper who denied himself thirds on the turkey to get in line early to pick up their new LCD TV. Perhaps it's just the hype surrounding it, perhaps it's the culture, but are the deals really that good? I perused some sites of the big stores to see what their Black Friday deals were, and I was hardly impressed at all. It seems that the internet has changed the way people shop and many of the "deals" touted can readily be picked up during the other 364 days of the year on any number of websites.

So what is it that's driving sales to incomprehensible levels on one particular day of the year? Are a majority of Americans genuinely uninformed when it comes to online shopping? Are a majority of Americans utilizing this culture of consumption to justify their expenses on this one day of the year? I'm not sure what it is. What do you think? What sociological reasons could there be to make sense of all of this?

Lincoln’s 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation

2008-11-27T14:18:00.002-05:00

Taken from Crossway's Blog
--
Taken from the collection of Lincoln’s papers in the Library of America series, Vol. II, pp. 520-521.

The year that is drawing towards its close has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battlefield; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility and Union.

—Abraham Lincoln

NC State, Raleigh, North Carolina

2008-10-20T19:44:00.003-05:00

After waking up at 0400 to catch our flight, we land at Raleigh-Durham to find that our time on campus will coincide with Justice For All, a pro-life awareness project run by Christians. Due to their central location in the free-speech zone, we didn't have many other options to distance ourselves from the exhibit, so the topic of abortion did not take long to arise. I have already been struggling with and praying through patience to deal with the exorbitant folly exhibited by some of these hecklers. With the added influence of the JFA exhibit, it just grew to be even more disgusting. Comments abounded such as "hey nigga, why don't you just kill it then ask for forgiveness?" forgive them Lord, they know not what they do.

After Obama proclaimed that FOCA would be a priority for him, this has become incredibly imperative, not to mention the worldwide efforts to provide this "right". With two weeks left in this marathon election, polls are coming up showing Obama's gap is closing. I deeply believe this election could become one of the most decisive of our generation, not just because it's Obama, but because that would leave 2/3 of our governmental trinity under Democratic rule, not to mention the several Justice positions that could open up in the future. Leaving Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and President Barack Obama unchecked is a dangerous place to be in. Yes, the Lord is sovereign, He will reign, I'm just wondering how much closer that will be after November 4th.

Columbus State Community College, Columbus, OH: Day 1

2008-10-07T18:27:00.002-05:00

i need to preface this by stating that monday was spent at ohio state all by myself, preaching solo, trying to get a crowd. for some reason i felt i had absolutely nothing to say, coming up with nothing to preach on and having a very hard time getting anything resembling decent interaction with the students. as the day progressed and i continually processed the days events, i wound up feeling discouraged to a certain degree, thoughts of complete deficiency overcame me as twilight arrived. the roof over our porch proved to be a much needed location of discussion and prayer with tim as we worked through my frustrations and fears.

this morning i woke up in anxiety, the first thoughts of the day swamped with doubts of abilities and the fear of men. as i progressed through breakfast, showering and time with the Lord, i became overwhelmingly desperate for His intervention, constantly dwelling on the fact that if He doesn't show up today, i fail. show up He did.

right from the get-go, within sixty seconds perhaps, there was a student probing me on whether or not he would go to hell for being gay. people immediately gathered, the crowd began to get louder and louder. as things began to build, one black student stepped out and kept circling me in silence (as if somehow that would deter me from my mission) and ignored my requests to back off and show respect. at some point someone asked me my political affiliation to which my response set off this circling mocker. he went absolutely livid, screaming, literally, about how i'm voting for four more years of bush, how we are in a recession and increasing the tension in the crowd by ten fold. once this mocker was a few sentences into his spiel, the crowd swelled to easily 150 souls, the largest i have ever been in front of before! i couldn't believe what i saw! at first they laughed at this mocker but i gave him just enough slack to hang himself with for within a few more minutes, the rest of the black students turned on him, shouting at him to back down because he's making a fool out of the rest of the black students. it's always a pleasure to see a heckler eaten publicly by his own kind. he left.

i continued to preach as loud as i could without screaming, in which we kept at it for about two hours total! this by far was my largest and longest time ever! sure, there were plenty of mistakes i made, some i am still thinking over and need to discuss with tom on the phone tonight, but all in all i am incredibly thankful for how the Lord showed up, how His name was proclaimed and even the chance to exhort the nearby saints to think of themselves as just that, saints, not sinners. one heckler recorded a large portion of today on his camera, i'm waiting for that video in which i will post on facebook! tomorrow is another day at columbus state, may i approach it with the same level of desperation and eagerness to see Him show up again.

there is no life like the one truly lost, we find it where we pick up our cross.

carpe diem can be so cliche...

2008-10-05T22:29:00.002-05:00

...but what other phrase do i have which encapsulates this understanding any more clearly? frank & pam apisa are church planters in turino, italy, who are on required gcm furlow for three months here in the states. visiting columbus, they held a luncheon after sunday service to share about what the Lord has been doing there over the past few years and what He has in store in the future, which as it turns out is another church plant in italy, this time milano. for the gc regulars, this is nothing crazy out of the norm, albeit it is exciting nonetheless, but something struck me today. frank mentioned that he is turning sixty years old very soon.

practically three of my lifetimes thus far.

that's a long time, a really long time. not that frank is a dinosaur by any means, for he sure is vivacious and full of the Spirit but during those years, he has been involved with the start-up of my home church at the university of florida, planting the church in tampa, fl, as well as planting turino and now milano. on the drive home it struck me how incredibly young i am, at twenty-two years of age; it struck me, more than ever before, how much of my life i still have before me. oh the time that is left to lay eternal bricks in the Kingdom! this just stirs my soul, to think of where Jesus and I could wind up in ten, twenty-five, or fifty years from now.

sure He could come back soon, but i kinda really don't want that to happen just yet. as much as i would love to see Him return in all of His glory and fire, i would rather see more and more souls come before His throne of grace before this chapter is done. didn't paul have this same tension?

"if i am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. yet which i shall choose i cannot tell. i am hard pressed between the two. my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. but to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. convinced of this, i know that i will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith..." -phil. 1:22-25 (esv)

to a certain degree, paul is saying some things i am not, as well as i'm saying some things that paul is not. but in the words of rick whitney, "your life is a coin, you can only spend it once". Lord willing, i could have a solid forty to fifty years ahead of me. think of all the possibilities with forty years to spend?! we could plant churches at uga in athens, ga, um in miami, portland, reykjavik, manchester, edinburgh, marseilles, brussels, coppenhagen, the possibilities surpass endless.

is there anything worth holding onto in light of all of this? roth ira's? stability? marriage? there is so much to be gained for Him, if only i "sacrifice" my rights, in which i truly have none when all is said and done so that my sacrifice is no sacrifice at all, just a deeper realization that He owe me nothing, absolutely nothing, not even the next intake of oxygen into my lungs.

thank you Lord for that last breath.

University of Nebraska-Lincoln: Day 1

2008-09-24T16:36:00.001-05:00

from the outside, today seemed to be just the same as every other day preaching this semester, but for me, i perceived something noticeably different. we are at the university of nebraska this week, omaha monday and today, lincoln campus tuesday and thursday. so today at the lincoln campus, we had the usual hecklers with the usual arguments with the usual “i eat christians for breakfast” attitudes. nothing too exciting.

throughout the course of the day, though, i had some interesting conversations. one with a self-proclaimed “militant atheist” who indignantly stated that he hated me due to my faith, how lovely. another who kept interjecting with “you believe” after every claim that i made, how obnoxious. but two conversations that struck me in a positively were with two christian girls, the first was mallory. earlier, she approached tom in the middle of a fantastic discussion he was having with a group of inquisitive, she had an honest question about his methods, but unfortunately it came across with that “do you really think Jesus would be doing this” demeanor. sensing confusion on her part, i went over to clarify things and chat with her. a few minutes into our conversation she began to weep as she explained that she was so burdened for the lost and so thankful that tom’s preaching was done in an effective manner. we exchanged contact information and prayed together before she left with a huge smile on her face. about half and hour later, another young girl, amber, walked up to me asking if i knew tom, and began to repeat the exact same thing mallory had said earlier. as she went on about how thankful she was for tom’s preaching, her eyes became soft as tears of joy came down her cheeks.

in both of these interactions, it struck me how deeply these two yearned for Him to be proclaimed on their campus, apparently something that isn’t done too often here in nebraska. to see their level of appreciation, to the point of tears, i have a deepened sense of honor and privilege knowing how valuable our message is. to think that the Lord of Israel has left us with such a weighty and holy responsibility is quite humbling, yet how emboldening to grasp the power of our Assistance in the Holy Spirit. the Lord is moving on these campuses, in a mighty way. on monday, rory whitney, rick’s brother, was continually pointing out people in the omaha crowd who were saved within the last year through tom’s preaching. person after person heard what tom had to say on campus which triggered a series of events leading to the beginning of their regeneration. i honestly couldn’t believe what he was telling me, i had no idea that the Lord had been working that much. and people say open-air preaching is out of date.

University of North Dakota, Grand Forks, ND: Day 1

2008-09-04T17:17:00.002-05:00

Well, today was really our second day there, but that is because we found no action at University of Minnesota Crookston (school of 1600!), so we headed back to UND without a permit. So our fall tour officially began...

It only took five to six minutes of preaching for the GLBTQ group to show up with three rainbow flags, making a silent protest right in between Tom and the building crowd. This only served to play into our hand more as a hot-headed liberal student began to scream at Tom about how he's spewing hatred, discrimination and judgment against the "gay agenda." Keep in mind, during those five to six minutes of preaching, Tom never, NOT ONCE, brought up the issue or made it a point to even mention homosexuality. They came out looking for a fight, in which Tom engaged appropriately and respectfully as always, never flippantly throwing out outlandish statements about their lifestyle. As the debate developed, it always amuses me how people stand in Tom's face, scream til their veins surge about how he's always yelling at people, never letting them finish their statements and being so judgmental. They continually fail to see how well they exhibit those accusations in their own actions. Well, maybe "amuse" isn't the right word, it breaks my heart. People are so incredibly held captive of their sin, they can't see around it, over it, under it or through it, they are completely blind. One kid was jumping around like a four-year-old, screaming some completely unintellectual banter about Lord knows what. My heart reacted in ways that I had forgotten. I'm not as compassionate as I once thought.

In the first half of the afternoon, I found myself becoming very angry and frustrated at the lost out there arguing. That's not good. It kept getting worse and worse as I saw their blindness, their degraded and defiled consciences, their sly remarks and "witty" comments, or so they thought as they look to their friends for approval and laughter. At one point I had to walk away to pray and think, so I went to where any man would, the restroom. I sat in there a bit, attempting to analyze my frustration, discern if the anger is towards them or their sin and have a good ol time on the porcelain throne. I found that my anger and emotions had abated as I walked back to the debate, which brought some degree of elation. I'm still processing that anger.

I was able to share the Gospel with a religion t.a., Adam, who was incredibly prideful and arrogant, I've never heard such blasphemous statements before. For someone to respond to the "what would you say to get into heaven?" question with "I would ask God for my forgiveness, for dictating us and demanding perfection the way He does, He neeeds my forgiveness" takes an incredible amount of selfishness and arrogance. When we had to wrap up our conversation, I was going to ask him if that's his decision and if he wanted to pray with me and tell God that himself, but Adam jetted too fast. It's one thing for people to say, "yeah, I know the truth, but I'm going to completely ignore Him and continue to blow Him off" to me, but it's a whole other issue to say that to God directly. I'm going to use that a lot more, Tom told us that some people aren't bold enough to do it and actually come to repentance!

There's so much to write, so much I'm already discovering in our first trip about my own heart and my own desires, but I'll save that for my Moleskine. I love you all and miss you, but I got to tell you, it's pretty dang exciting being out here as well! I'll be occasionally throwing up pics on twitpic and facebook, the mid-west is a completely different world!

"that sounds cliche" sounds so cliche...

2008-05-27T10:12:00.002-05:00

the facebook mini feed is a good thing, there are a few people on there whose blog posts i constantly enjoy. rachel is one of them, this chick loves jesus like woah, her posts are simplistic and beautiful. we are also in the same boat, for the most part, trying to figure out what to do with our lives after graduation. in her last post, she gave some food for thought:

-------------------
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139:13-16

Most of you know those verses pretty well...as do I...so...why do we find it so hard to make those verses alive in our hearts?
-------------------

that last part kinda got me. as i was reading those verses, the one thought in my head was, "ok, great, some of the most overused verses there are, so cliche rachel..." consequentially, that last statement struck me. i'm in this anti-christianity phase right now, a phase that actually i'm quite enjoying. by no means am i anti-Christ (oh gosh that sounds bad) but i am anti-christian culture. well, not "anti-" like i hate or despise it, but "anti-" like it humors in the way christians do certain things. for example, Reno 911! had an episode with this traveling revivalist, complete with a crimson polyester leisure suit and feathered hair that even i couldn't attain, he was in the prison with three choir members, trying to save people (in his power) and cast out demons of the inmates. it was so over the top, i had no other response but pure laughter. it's these kinds of things that i thoroughly enjoy, it's not Christ that is the basis of the jokes, but the ridiculous things His followers do at times that humor me. this is somewhat of a tangent...

anyways, i feel that in the christian culture, there are these verses that we use all the time, and quite honestly, to me, they become so cliche and sucked out of their power. not that the Scriptures are dry by any means, but just like rachel said, it becomes so hard to make these verses come alive in our hearts. some Scriptures for example:
James 1:2-8; Phillippians 1:6 and Matthew 6:25-34. despite this problem, which is a serious one, it has forced me to seek the Scriptures in a new light. i have been coming across these gems of Scripture, sections that have never been at the forefront of my mind ever, Scriptures that have gently redefined my perspective of Christ and His atoning work in my life, especially His propitiation and expiation. some Scriptures that have been sticking to my ribs lately have been:

"For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory." -2 Corinthians 1:20

"Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God." -Proverbs 30:7-9

i really think Proverbs 30 is going to be my campsite for a bit, there were some other sections of that chapter which hit me hard. it's so incredible how you can dig and dig and never come to the bottom of the riches of Scripture. no man has ever exhausted the Scriptures, they are forever stated yet eternally malleable. so in conclusion, this problem of finding certain Scriptures cliche has been a blessing and a curse, i don't want to nullify the common or popular Scriptures of their power. but i do want to deviate from christianity, i want to find the gems and bring them to light for myself and my Brothers and Sisters, allowing greater intimacy and affinity for the work of the Cross.

(a)foot in the fault.

2008-05-23T23:52:00.002-05:00

"the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can know it?" -jeremiah 17:9

assuredness is a dirty thief. emotions serve nothing but chilled deception. my life is far too dictated by my heart, why must particles other than truth pass through this filter? truth is paramount.

truth precipitates into the very essence of His existence.

my own emotions seem to serve me absolutely no purpose, they lie to me, trick me into placing my faith into faultier surfaces than what's on His lips. i am fully responsible for this mistake, i take complete responsibility for this misappropriation.

my eyes are too blind.
my ears are too deaf.
my fingers are too numb.
this current vessel is far too incapable of experiencing the Eternal. i need a new body.
in light of You, my palms kiss the open air. i am left with nothing.

i shall bring You a mirror, i could never show You anything as perfect as You.

to be commissioned.

2008-05-19T19:31:00.003-05:00

falling more in love with the pastors at mars hill, i listened to a teaching on our individual callings in this grand scheme of Kingdom work.

this is so not about me, my role in the Kingdom. of course, it does deal with me, but i feel that i am failing to see the picture from a much, much, much larger perspective. do i realized that we're dealing with eternity here? do i understand the breadth of that statement?

of course not.

one thing i never realized was that i am the product of someone else's calling, i am the fruit of His leading. how amazing is that? the Lord led certain people into my mother and my lives and here we are ten years later, soundly saved, full of Grace and Truth. now i have the privilege of discovering that fruit for myself, replicating the cycle over and over again. think about it, you (if you have repented and put faith in Christ) and i are direct descendants of Christ's evangelical effort, His blood flows right through the years to my heart, covering my sin. that surpasses any amount of eloquently scribed words.

so in this season of discerning and waiting for my "commissioning", as it were, not my "calling", a refocusing of my role and position in this Kingdom is required. whether my commissioning be to go with tom short and preach like nobody's business, or start my career with primerica or go to into the navy, i am very, very small in this play. i cannot disrupt His will, it is metaphysically impossible, which is one of the most liberating thoughts. my life has been laid before His throne of grace before the foundations of this world were ever laid, this illusion of choice provides nothing but unnecessary fear.

i am Controlled.

i am Safe.

ten thousand heads of radio.

2008-05-06T01:18:00.002-05:00

i failed to realize how excited i was until it had already started. five years in the making.

an enclave of white tubing, chromatically illuminated by lasers, surrounded the entire stage.

raging blocks of red, flowing seas filled the amphitheater to the brim through those ubiquitous poles. it was enveloping.
radiohead played their most quintessential songs: optimistic (hanson's just isn't the same...), street spirit, bulletproof, everything in it's right place, nation anthem...only the best.

He surprised me though, He showed up. not that He wasn't there, i just hadn't expected Him to show Himself in that forum. with the undulating timbre came this overwhelming sense of ethereal connectivity, that somehow i was brought to this oh-so-intimate place of praise through the most unassuming of mediums. christian and i discussed this lightly on the trip up to west palm, how the Creator is discovered through the creativity endowed to man, proclaiming His truth through beauty and elegance. He became so clear through the band's tones, the sheer levels of texture, vivacity, depth: the kind of depth which longs for metaphysical interactions with the notes themselves. all of this culminated into one unorthodox venue to perceive one's Holy One; how He majestically appears according to His own Metronome.

festival of horns...

2008-04-26T00:39:00.004-05:00

things have changed. i have a girlfriend. i can't believe it.

it's hard. it's stretching. it's so good.

i've never needed the Lord more than in these past four weeks, seeing my own depravity is such a beautiful thing, for He is always closer than once thought. He's nudging, pushing, yearning for me to come into the deeper parts.

my response is necessitated in a Genesis 22 fashion. this is good. He is good.

regardless of my investment, my maturity (whatever miniscule level it has become), or my systems, the festival of horns is not guaranteed.

solitary

2008-04-01T00:26:00.002-05:00

it's 0127 and i'm sitting outside of library west looking out across the plaza.

not a soul anywhere...

no cars.
no krishnas.
no slackliners.
no buses.
no sorority girls.
no noise, sans sprinklers.
no motion.

i could get used to this.

wait, a guy literally just walked up, pulled out a flashlight and started rummaging through the recycling bin. now he's going through the trash can. he doesn't look homeless, maybe he's collecting bottle caps or something. random.

i take this stillness, this slow-motion film, for granted far too often. a systematic life, confined by calendars and one-hour blocks of time, has decayed the perceptions of a moment without momentum.

the serpentine puddle of water creeps ominously near.

what is the root of this yielding of time, this allowance of unredeemable moments for something so far inferior to what could be grasped? where does the seed sprout from? to overlook the miraculous reproduction of cells right before our very eyes, even in this scenery of stillness, what a tragedy.

how easily i could conform my perceptions of my Deity into this finite aperture, allowing only a truncated stance based upon the monotony of this american life. yet there is so much to be held, to be felt, to be assimilated within my own fallible heart, a heart of gross misconceptions concerning the metaphysical Truth.

i desire this to be played in slow motion, this american life, as how the sheets of rain waltz across the march skies, how the curtains of Grace billow in His laughter.

i need a slow motion heart.

a piece for fyc 4212...

2008-03-04T23:17:00.001-05:00

a piece that i wrote for my contemporary youth problems course...

---

How do I describe myself? I could describe myself by what I do, but still, that’s not too terribly accurate, is it? My identity, at its most fundamentally communicable form, is my character. It is the element within me which defines my actions and interactions with others around me. I believe that one of the deepest aspects of character that I hold on to is truth and from that, honesty. Truth is knowable, it is not some abstract, relativistic concept varying for each person, but rather we can know what right and wrong is and more importantly, the source of truth. Honesty, the outward assimilation of truth, is so crucial to our civilization that without it we wouldn’t have government, science or social order. These two are probably vastly more important than I even realize.
I’m just like most other people, I enjoy lacrosse, cycling and appreciate really good food, I mean really good. I love to sleep, but not more than eight hours and I can’t stand watching TV cause all of the sensory inputs make me go crazy. Stephen Colbert makes me seriously consider the seriously detrimental seriousness in our society, while Barack Obama gives me some kind of urge to put hope back into this country’s politics. I’m no more American than the next guy, everyone can’t believe that my mum is from England. I’m an Apple guy to the core, PC’s remind me too much of 1984. Yet, in all these things, these are not who I am. Even with my parents divorcing in 2003, probably one of the most monumental turning points in my life, this does not define me as a person. I’m much more than that, we all are. Yet too often, the perception of ourselves becomes so myopic that all that is left is a conclusion from the calendars and PDA’s which direct our lives. We were destined for so much more, but we lost that so long ago thanks to that one piece of fruit.

antiquity

2008-03-03T01:04:00.002-05:00

waiting for my sheets to dry at one a.m., i write.

it came to me recently that there are facets of the Way that i am bypassing, or removed from at least, through the course of my life. the hymnist continually discourses on the peace of Christ, a concept that, for some reason, has been failing to be grasped within my mind. this idea of Christ being the all encompassing provision of tranquility never seemed to resonate with me completely, perhaps i was out of the rhythm of the Spirit. it just seemed that i couldn't secure for myself a morsel which was laid right before me.

oh, but how this rapidly changes once we more completely grasp the regenerative work of the Cross. i can't believe that it slipped past me, but how meager my perception of the destination of my faith. o the purest of joy to see my marred name in the Lamb's Book! to see the power of His might restore this most broken of vases, to glory in the fact that He hath chosen me among the lepers, to receive the humblest of gifts from the humblest of Hands. through simplicity, herein lies the fullness of God, the very down-pouring of heavenly heat, searing all sin to its deepest of graves. everything is for the Gospel. what loss to drift from such a treasure.

all the fitness that He requireth is that you feel your need of Him.

lessons

2007-12-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

i've been thinking of things i have learned over the past year lately, why not blog it?

-if i eat more than four bananas within an hour, i get the worst farts of my life.

-a 'no' is sometimes the best answer you could ever hope for as it can force you to reevaluate the composition of hope.

-there are few things in life that compare to a satisfying song or album.

-i'm really not cut out for corporate life, as office politics make me want to explode.

-who knew i was allergic to cats?! praise the Lord! can't stand those things...

-my life isn't a summation of mistakes but a carefully attended 'raggedy andy' by a generous Creator.

-i'm pro-gay marriage! not that i think being gay is right, but why are they not being given the chance to live life together just like the rest of us?

-cities can be really loud, and it tarries against me horribly, scratching at my soul. albeit, i am still fascinated with new york city.

-people can be so two-faced, especially at work where facades and masquerades are put up only to later reveal the true nature of their heart.

-i'm trendier than i thought, larry and paul were right all along.

-friendships are worth their weight in gold. it's what the streets of heaven are paved with.

-this judgmental bone runs deeper than i thought in me. it scares me somewhat, because i'm so blind to it, which really is the true nature of this beast. i don't want to be that guy. i don't want to be this man. i need bombs, not seeds. there is a better way than this, albeit how wonderful it is to be humbled before your own dirt!

ptl.

hills

2007-11-22T02:44:00.000-05:00

mephistopheles, you are nothing.

you are the epitome of patheticism.
we have the upper hand.
you will not take me.
we have the higher hill.
you will not take my sisters.
our sights are centered.
you will not take my brothers.

you will not take this campus.

you have nothing but sawdust.
you are a used car salesman.
you are nauseating.
you are vile.

do you know what's in store?
have you done your homework?
did you read the last chapter?

you are the fox.
you are the impostor.
you are the dolt.

aqueous realizations

2007-10-07T15:04:00.000-05:00

everything looks different soaked in water.

the trees are a quieter green, the air is a thicker white, the ground undulates more than unusual. and the last part is what gets me. on your average arid day, the sea of concrete is unstrikingly placid, transfiguring between parking lots and interstates. all fades away behind the restlessness of our endless days.

but when it rains, more than precipitation falls from the heavens. this cool peace seems to slow everything down as constrained heat within the sidewalks escape upwards.

life slows down.

we learn to breathe and glance within.

as the puddles begin to accumulate into masses, i realize that this ocean of asphalt isn't so flat anymore as i see a plethora of new ponds everywhere i turn. things aren't what i thought they were. and this is how see myself now, as the proverbial rains of life have filled the cracks within my heart, transforming this seemingly level heart. i can see myself more clearly now, thanks to the rain. assumptions removed, who i am, faults and flaws, comes into view.

thank you, rain.

homeless van newsletter

2007-10-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

i wrote this for a class, figured i'd post it here too...

--

This was my first time reading the Home Van Newsletter, and I throughly enjoyed it as it challenged how I view homelessness a little bit more. It's so good to get shaken up and forced to think critically about what you believe, whether it be about God, homelessness or the President.

Arupa brings up an interesting point as she describes this dream that she has where she was comfortable and warm inside her bed, and peering into her windows are the faces of the homeless that she works with, which segues into a discussion of Carl Gustav Jung. Jung wrote about the 'shadow self', a mental construct of everything about ourselves that we don't want to deal with or confront, and how we tend to disassociate ourselves with those whom we see our shadow self in. We reject them, demoralize them, despise them because they represent the 'ugly us'.

I find this fascinating, most probably due to two contrasting views of homelessness I, and maybe most of us, have. On one hand, I see the reaction some people have to homelessness, where they stereotype them into lethargic, hopeless, languid, drunk caricatures. These people tend to seldom offer the helping hand because they see that they are just looking to get by today, and not trying to fix any long-term problems. On the other hand, there are those who faithfully serve at the shelters and homeless councils, who have personal friendships with some of these guys, and truly care for them. I feel that most of us battle with these two conflicting viewpoints, and sometimes the former takes control.

One of the largest hurdles to clear in Gainesville's attempt to defeat homelessness is social acceptability. It seems like everyone loves the idea of organizations and institutions being all philanthropic to help them out, but no one wants it in their back yard. No one wants this one-stop homeless shelter near their home or business, but they want the problem solved. It's always fascinated me that few ever want to be a part of the solution, and I mean in deeper way than giving Chair, Nixon or any other homeless dude $5 so he can go buy "food", which we all know is a lie so they can buy beer. We see the shadow self in some of these homeless, and it scares us. Sure, I think we say that the guy pushing the shopping cart full of trash bags down 2nd Ave is sketch, but what I think is even more scarry is that we see part of ourselves in those needy eyes. We don't consciously realize it, but it's there.

So this may be the reason homelessness hasn't been ameliorated for all these years, because politicians and bureaucrats don't want to admit that they are just like those sleeping under cardboard. 'The Dirty' are just as hopeless, just as angry, just as selfish, just as jealous as the Senator on his private jet coming back from a formal dinner with the President, it's just that the senator has a few more materialistic masks to hide behind. Until we can level with ourselves on this issue of commonality with the socially despised, it seems our driving motivation for a solution to homelessness is derived more from obligation than undefiled compassion. I'm still leveling with myself, I'm no different from the rest.

economics of liturgy

2007-09-27T22:43:00.000-05:00

i have to get this off my chest.

and it's not necessarily directed at anyone in particular.

over fifty percent of church growth is transient. i think it might be even higher than that. migratory. the church isn't growing, it's relocating. and this pisses me off. when did the church of the Almighty God become this disposable, recyclable commodity? why has it become viewed as this dispenser of self-centered wants when we blatantly deny what we can give to His body, His people? granted, there is a time and place for being fed by the church, but that is not its manifest function.

somewhere along the way, this paradigm shift occurred in how we view church, and she's bleeding because of it. i argue that the manifest function of the church is to be the vehicle in which we spill our lives for the One who shed His untainted blood to redeem our adulterous hearts. it doesn't matter if i'm not connecting with the sunday message, for it's the Holy Spirit inside who instructs me in the intangible lessons which my heart so desperately needs.

why are people jumping ship and swimming to the more luxurious vessel with more bells and whistles? why can't people commit? for life? are we that thin-skinned?

i understand this may come off with a caustic tone, but this is a problem, and so many christians are too willing to give up their posts. the church is internally bleeding as we've accepted this unbiblical worldview of selfishness and expendability. i don't even know if that's a real word.

jesus, please help your people. rushing wind, blow through this temple, clearing out the dust within.

confounded, constrained.

2007-09-18T22:06:00.000-05:00

"and now, behold, i am going to jerusalem, constrained by the Spirit, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me." -acts 20:22-23

this is EXACTLY how i feel!

well, almost. minus that imprisonment part.

the leaves are turning, glowing again as this new season of faith unveils itself. the Spirit has constrained me, making these next few steps very clear. staff makes so much sense now, realizing the opportunities opening through these means. "david, you don't do staff because you want to be on staff. you go on staff as a means to an end, as a launch pad to something greater." -frank liu. i can preach constantly, i can raise up more men as real men of faith (not to say that i'm anything amazing myself), i can serve the church more, i can coach homegroups, i can home-school my kids, i can move anywhere the Spirit constrains me, i can be completely free for His use. eleven years ago, when i was Regenerated, i would have never, ever thought that i would be a full-time missionary. this does not come without some fears, genuine ones, of what-if's, but the Spirit is stirring, the embers of devotion are swelling with light, the fjord is about to break. i want to be here when it happens.

this temporary departure frightens me too.

alas, "many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." -proverbs 19:21

"but i do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only i may finish my course and the ministry that i received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." -acts 20:24

oh, how earnestly i yearn to assimilate this more fully. i want this to settle deeper, in the hidden corners of my heart. dad, please help me take you at your word all the more, please. if only my faith were the size of a mustard seed, what would happen? what would be different? continue to regenerate this doubtful heart, help me to see this new being you say i am more clearly. remove this faux box that you're in in my mind, help me to see you for who you really are. there is no one else for me, none but jesus, crucified to set me free. so shall it be.

in season & out

2007-08-28T13:59:00.000-05:00

i'm sick of being disobedient.

i was disobedient last spring.

i was disobedient in poznan.

it's not going to happen anymore.

some how, i convince myself that 'good' is acceptable, when He's offering the 'best'. it's right there, in the middle of His table, the offer prime. yet i shrink back, and limit myself and completely sell myself short.

i am regenerated.

so as He urges me to preach on campus, i would be a fool to deny the opportunity.

not to mention that i HAVE to do this, look at this verse:

"so you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'we are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'" -luke 17:10

i am doulos.

i have to preach, i have to proclaim, i have to realize how temporal our ivory bones are. Holy Spirit whacked me over the head with this verse the other day, and it's been on the forefront of my mind ever since. He doesn't owe me one single thing, not a wife, children, a career or the next breath in my lungs, for I am eternally indebted to my Father for stepping in between His justice and His wrath for me. how amazing is that! i mean, here i am, this puny college kid who frequently fails to take his Father at His word, who choses the good things of this world, when i can eternally explore and worship the very One who stitched me together.

i am raggedy andy.

sew me up, all the more. rips and tears, stuffing gone and buttons not there, take me as i am.

i am covered in unapproachable light.

moses

2007-08-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

'way of the master' has been the book of choice as of late, and it has been opening my eyes to the importance of the Law in evangelism. it expounds upon the pitfalls of using the 'wonderful Jesus' promise of happiness and peace as a means to bring people to the Cross, as well as showing how to properly use the Law to bring around conviction of sin (1 Tim 1) thus providing tilled soil for the glorious seed of the Gospel to grab deep roots.

the Spirit has been nudging me, quite strongly, to keep talking to my coworkers and my dad about the Law and the coming wrath, which seems so 'hellfire & brimstone'-ish, yet so deeply rooted in the Scriptures. tonight, my dad and i finally talked about this subject, and from the get-go, it all seemed to go downhill. he has quite a bit of knowledge of the core doctrine of Salvation, so it was incredibly hard to bring up certain points that needed to be discussed. it was very clear in my conscience not to come across as judgmental, but apparently he was perceiving something completely different. his temper, and my emotion, rose, so things got out of hand after a while. i love my father so deeply that it becomes so difficult to communicate clearly from the tense throat and tears in my eyes, and when that happens, i become even MORE frustrated and emotional. i don't feel that i'm all that emotional of a person, maybe this is not true, but whatever i am, it got the best of me. things started to spiral out of control and the conversation turned to a recent event that happened earlier, unrelated.

this is so ridiculous and enraging, that i can not even communicate clearly, with confidence, what i need to. granted, it's not my job to save him, i don't even have that kind of power, but it is so frustrating seeing him live his life completely deceived by what he thinks is true. i just don't know if i can talk to him anymore about it, seems that i have scarred him with my judgments. i don't feel as if i am an overly judgmental person, but just like the Scriptures say, every man will proclaim his own goodness. i know that He uses all things to work together for His good, which seems so cliche sometimes in Christianity, but it still doesn't make it any less frustrating that i come across as a complete fundamentalist engulfed in flames with gavel in hand. that is not who i am nor supposed to be!!!!

Lord, please take this heart of frustration, judgment, anger, and emotionalism for your own will, molding to the likeness of your perfect, beautiful Son who stood between your Creation and your wrath, that we may live our lives in holiness with gratitude for all that you have done in fixing our debilitating problem. i don't want to be overly fanatic or intimidatingly zealous that i drive people away with a sour taste in their mouths. this revolution of love will not go quietly into the night, but be proclaimed from the rooftops so that all may at least acquire the knowledge of your coming wrath, and the cure for this cancer. if i am wrong, please discipline me in your loving kindness, for i am just a man blinded by selfish desires and scorching arrows of doubt. i'm sick of christian cliches and traditions, i want more of your perfect heart in this cold chest of mine. i need you to be close, to be here, to be there in his bedroom, pulling and pricking his heart, that my dad may realize all that you have in store for him. please take everything, every day, that this living sacrifice may not wiggle of the altar. amen and good night.

lightness

2007-07-11T22:43:00.000-05:00

today was somewhat frustrating, and i am quite glad it is over. i am being blamed, by the kids mind you, for doing things that i never did, things that could get me on the naughty list with the parents or maybe fired. it's just so frustrating! i guess i need to be even more laissez faire with the kids, i need to cover my bases. harumph...

on an upnote, youth group was great tonight, they even let me mix the worship which was a treat. i truly miss doing that at GCL, it always made me seem like a little boy again, discovering a new world over the fence.

"writers write" my dad always says. that is something that has been calling my heart as of late. i've been itching to write, not sure what, just put something down and stretch those cold metatarsals. i miss the simplicity of short poetry, and i would enjoy doing a piece in the style of Pettigrew.

my faith seems to be becoming something deeper within my flesh. i say that somewhat hesitantly because it would seem obvious that such a beautiful, developing object be completely consumed within it's beholder. yet, my faith is taking new turns in how it affects my thought processes and the 'what-if's' become nominalized with maturity. it's funny how the weight of anger is lifted once the pressurized words are released into the night sky. i took a walk tonight after matt and i left the movie's early, frustrated at something that i assumed was God's fault. and all the words that i think i need to say seem to dissipate as they float off my tongue, loosing their urgency to the sound of the busy street across the lake. anger and selfishness are all in vain when confronted with the one who's Hands hold the ferocity of the Universe, keeping all life under His thumb. may i squeeze into a wrinkle of that palm as i wrestle and rest with the fact that despite my longing to find a heavy handed tongue in the night sky, He has all my deepest questions answered before the thought hits my deepest synapse.

uphill

2007-07-08T22:01:00.000-05:00

wow, i haven't posted in a while! this is my first post of the summer and my first post on my new macbook! it was an exciting day on friday when i unpacked this beast, i was quite giddy.

being home for the summer has been wonderful, as i spend time with my family, especially my little brother, i am constantly reminded of the genetic overlap that we five share. we are all similar, yet completely different, all at the exact same time. there is something intangibly beautiful and innately secure about family, which i did not know very fondly in my adolescence. needless to say, i have become quite appreciative of this.

switching gears, i have become very convicted of my level of evangelism. after all, "if you love Me, you will follow my commandments." i want my coworkers to know the coming wrath and the saving grace of our Almighty, but i just can't seem to get conversations where they need to be. "church" is staring to feel more and more pathetic as a way of bringing up the subject of eternity. right now my book of choice is "way of the master" by ray comfort, which discusses the biblical method of evangelism which uses the Law (10 Commandments) to bring around conviction of sin and the knowledge of the purpose of the Cross. without the Law, the Cross is frivolous and powerless. i want them to know so badly, for no man knows the day or the hour. i have been thinking of going down to weston town center and passing out tracks. what's the worst that can happen? see Jesus early?

let us be Your hands and feet. please.

3/4

2007-04-28T23:28:00.000-05:00

my college career is 75% complete.

that scares the crap out of me.

what am i going to do? where am i going to go? what is my dad going to say?

i went cycling around campus at midnight tonight, enjoying the stillness, the lights, the wind ruffling my hair. this place means so much to me, more than this blog, or the human voice, could express. God has taken my hand, taken my heart, and done what He wants, most of the time, showing me a life that i didn't realize existed.

this campus brings to life everything in me. it's not the campus itself, it's the tears, the scars, the laughs of a friend: the kind you know have your hand, regardless. the lunches, the all-night shifts at work, the gospel sharing, the sum of a life that was lived without many regrets, at least in this turning of my life.

i still have another year, only the Lord knows what it will bring, and that is a lot of time. in this bittersweet morsel of a memory, i will relish in the times of joy and pain, of exuberance and gut-wrenching tears, of faith and fear. i will live this last year with everything i have, not in the what-if?'s of yesteryear, but in the what-next?'s of now. we have one shot at this, one shot to make it all count, one shot to live this life with full expectation of the life to come. i pray that all of this is a disconnection from this world, for it let's us live for heaven all the more. makes heaven that much sweeter. jesus, please don't allow me to wallow in the nostalgia of memories, but may we leap to see your face all the more, to see your Kingdom reign on this creation. in the vastness of 'I AM', we know nothing of you. may you reveal your heart every day through your church. may we live for the what-next?'s right around the corner.

1/4 left. what will we make of it?

little miss sunshine

2007-04-28T01:01:00.000-05:00

i've never quite experienced a movie that makes me laugh, cry and get pissed off all in the same sitting, not like this movie. i've had a long stretch of bad movies, and this was quite the change of winds! the grandpa pissed me off for how spineless he is, the big brother makes me cry because of how much he reminds me of my little brother, matt, and there are plenty of laughs throughout. the soundtrack is to die for, and the editing brought out the most brilliant colors.

out of sight...

2007-04-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

...out of mind

don't get me wrong, what happened on monday at VT was absolutely horrific and i never wish this kind of pain and weeping on any family, on any person. facebook has been plastered with groups for remembrance, vigils and prayer meetings have been held, people are hurting and people are responding to that pain. it's amazing to see the unity of this nation when something like this happens, it's a blessing i constantly take for granted. but there is a war going on, there are mass murders every day and yesterday 171 people perished instantly in baghdad by a car full of explosives parked in the center of an intersection. gone. never to see the light of day again. one person even reported seeing a severed head on the roof of a car after the explosion.

why are we not holding prayer meetings and candlelight vigils for them? why aren't we interceding more for them? would we differentiate our sorrow and mourning based on where a person lives or where they are born? let's not forget darfur. let's not forget uganda. china. north korea. venezuela. iraq.

i don't have all the answers, i don't know what to do. but when we let 171 perish without a second thought, without doing something about it, without having a prayer meeting for them, what does that say? are we going to let our ignorant flesh give a passing thought of sorrow then go on our merry way?

i'm not ignorant to what we are trying to do here; i just received a flyer for purchasing a 'stop the war' t-shirt on campus. people do care. i just don't understand why we pay so much attention to stateside issues compared to what is going on across the pond. i just don't understand human nature.

bleach

2007-04-17T19:04:00.000-05:00

black guys trying to be white.

white guys trying to be black.

it makes me laugh how what we are never seems to be what we can accept.

cet

2007-04-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

the weather here in gainesville has been very european lately.

i love it.

it reminds me of days at my nana's house playing in the garden with the warm green grass between my toes, playing with my little brother or cousins, hearing the distant high-pitched feedback of my nana's hearing aid. wearing goloshes when it's spring time, because i can.

wasn't being a kid the best thing?

why do we remember so little of it?

why can't our brains pack more of those caramel memories into timeless suitcases, airtight?

are we only living a dream?

are these clouds going to fly away?

only if more are to come to keep these suitcases airtight. what i have left at least.

charcoal soul

2007-03-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

I'm just not happy anymore. I'm not who I used to be.

At least who I was told I was.

That sounds wrong and unhealthy, but it's not what I meant and I know what I mean. It's just that I've caught myself, over the past weeks, not smiling at all. What is this? Why am I not happy? I have had the most joyous miracle in the universe unraveling in my soul for the past eight years, what is there not to be happy about? I'm alive in Christ for crying out lout! AHH! This just pisses me off that I'm like this.

And all of a sudden this blog sounds like me from freshman year.

And all of a sudden this life sounds like me from freshman year.

The old sins, old habits, are coming back. Old mannerism of unrighteousness.

"This is not me, this is something acting on this body."

There is a Way Of The Master conference I'm attending in Americus, GA with some brothers from other ministries here at UF as well as Samuel from GCL. We are going to plant churches together, I know it. I need God to use this conference, I need Him to do something here because He's the only one that knows what's wrong, the only one who truly knows how completely jacked up I am. It's times like these that I'm so glad that I'm single. Despite the unhappiness, the prospectus of this quarter looks incredible.

This life is cinematic. At least it needs to be.

God, I just want to live this life, I want to lose myself, for You. You've done everything for me, and it seems like this is a two-way street. Help me to get over these selfish fears of preaching, help me to be bold, be a man and do the Right thing. I'm such a boy in my fears, was Noah like this? Was Moses when he saw the multitude of blood thirsty Egyptians hurdling at them on the shore of the Red Sea? It's funny how the most primitive of emotions can be the most destructive at times.

enough

2007-03-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

that's it. i've had enough of the Bible.

what i'm saying is that i'm sick and tired of feeling obligated to catch up in my 'bible-in-a-year' plan. don't get me wrong, i think they are great tools for people to get some discipline in their life. but for me and another one of the guys in my life, it's not working out. technically, i'm still on the readings for february 22nd, and i feel like i can't get in the Word if i'm not going to make an effort to catch up, and i think that's wrong. so i'm going to start in I Kings and read, hopefully every day. there is just something different about not having a schedule, and i'm no less of a christian if i'm not reading the Bible in a year. yeah, it's good, but it's getting too legalistic for me. my God is a person, a relationship, not a formula.

still once more

2007-03-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ - Romans 5:1

in light of the previous post, things are definitely changing. almost as soon as i had published that post, i brought up the issue with two of my roommates whom i am very close with and they prayed for me on the spot. didn't feel much different after that nor did my conscious change so i took one last step before i feel asleep.

Corresponding to that, baptism now saves you--not the removal of dirt from the flesh, but an appeal to God for a good conscience--through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who is at the right hand of God, having gone into heaven, after angels and authorities and powers had been subjected to Him. - 1 Peter 3:21,22

i took this verse for real, a verse that came up in teaching prep the other day, and rebuked any spirits of satan in my room out loud in the name of Christ. when i woke up the next morning, i felt so refreshed and encouraged and excited about the Lord it was amazing! later on that day, in my youth development class, we began a discussion on moral acquisition and the classic "there is no absolute truth" statements came out and no one was making any stance for absolute truth, i had to say something!

plus i was wearing a christian t-shirt.

i spoke up, told it how it is, how the Law is written on each of our hearts (should have brought up Romans 1:18, arg!) and said what needed to be said. of course everyone, about forty or so, was against me, verbally, but i did get a pat on the back as we were walking out from a girl that sits behind me. that was encouraging.

i dove into some more richard dawkins today, watched the whole series. it makes me so sad that this man has completely, utterly hardened his heart. as my brother chris has said, "science is his god, he just can't see it" which i completely agree with. but i want to be more and more prepared to defend the faith and i've found a good article on the Resurrection of my good Friend. sometimes i honestly wonder if this is all a deluge, if spirituality is all something humans have contrived in their heads. but i always remember what my mum has said:

i rather live my life as if there was a god and find out there isn't than to live my life as if there wasn't a god and find out there is.

a freefall barometer

2007-02-27T22:06:00.000-05:00

we leave for poland in a little over a week. i'm scared.

for the past week, i've been slipping into something not of me, something darker.

i wouldn't call it backsliding in my faith though.

something is holding me down, something is upon me and i don't know if it's me or if it's a demon.

reading my Bible is straight up boring, and i know that's an inappropriate attitude and it needs to be fixed.

there's no point in blogging anymore now, i need to go to bed. i don't care about much, and i might say something stupid. it's happened before.

pray for me.

when i grow up

2007-02-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

what do i want to be? there seems to be so many things popping up in my life, desires of what i would do whether or not i had Christ, regardless of how i am sewn together. some of these are realistic, others, not so much. please don't get me wrong, having Christ is the only thing i truly desire in this life, but lately i've been having these thoughts of what if and here they are to clear my head:

a new york city bicycle messenger (this is a huge, quasi-realistic one)

a tour manager for a recording artist (sigur ros, hello?)

a recording engineer

a monk

amish

an icelandic missionary

celibate

a cross-country runner

a father of gordon-proportions (gordon=epic)

a naval aviator

an mdiv student

a pastor

an effective teacher of the Word

who knows what's going to happen? I AM does, and that's just so dang cool, in a completely chill, 'sippin on cafe bustelo, listening to sigur ros under stars on the roof in a big city' kind of way. you know...

oh the grace!

2007-02-18T00:35:00.000-05:00

how great is His love!

blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when i was in a besieged city.
psalm 31:21

in this besieged city of my heart, the vast darkness, his steadfast love will never leave, no matter how strong the opposition, how fierce the rain. thank you so much, Jesus, for grabbing my hand as i slide off of this mountain face! oh, how good you are, how could i ever tell you how much i love you? you are too good, too close, too pure for me to ever do you injustice by my lacking vocabulary. even as i betray you for thirty pieces of silver, you still call me friend. how can you? why would you? you have no reason to, but you do every morning when the sun spills into my eyelids.

you call me friend.

you call me friend.

more future thoughts

2007-02-14T11:49:00.000-05:00

from my urban development textbook:
Indications that city residents are actually happier and better adjusted than their rural counterparts (Fischer, 1973)

question: is happiness relative? for us as Christians, what does this mean if this is true? expansion to come...

iTunes!

2007-02-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

oh man, was a blessing the digital music revolution can be at times! in the iTunes essentials playlists, they had a 90's One Hit Wonder set and i lost it! len, the verve, shawn mullins, spindoctors, donna lewis! this is nuts! i am so excited! but it's time for bed, check out that playlist!

idea 2

2007-02-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

ok, i need to get this paper done, so i can't write anything now. but i do want to write on solo music acts, the church and unity and how we want to be on our own.

good, good, everythings going as planned....except for this paper!

a promise

2007-02-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

i'm in the norman circa lab, starting this four page literary analysis that is due tomorrow. well, at least the first draft is. in the midst of making something out of nothing, i started to think about my feet.

i like my feet.

as with most things with me, i want to do what is healthy for my body, including wearing proper footwear for the arch support that i need. from about half-way through my summer internship with gcm in tallahassee, i tossed my old sandals due to the malt vinegar/cold egg smell rising from them and i quickly set my eyes on a pair of rainbow's. they are all over campus, everyone has a pair, so i figure there must be something great about these sandals.

i made myself want them.

for christmas my grandparents gave me some money, enough to buy a pair, so i did when i got back to gainesville. and here i sit, a month or so later, looking at my sandals. the same sandals that everyone else has. and you know what?

i don't even care about them.

i don't. i mean, sure they are great to walk in and it's nice to be able to wear them in february, but at the end of the day, i just don't value them. and this is disappointing because my eyes and heart are so pathetic that i expected my soul to be satisfied by something as trivial and temporal as a pair of pop-shoewear. i actually, honestly expected myself to find some amount of redeption in an object that can't even compare to the flesh and blood that was spilt for me. i've tasted the Lord, i have seen His goodness in my life and in others, especially when it comes to raising support for missionary work, and yet, i believed in my heart that this would make me happy. oh the vicious cycle my flesh runs in!

and it makes sense.

it makes sense how we can spend nine billion dollars in one day because it's the best day of the year for sales and deals. it makes sense how americans can buy a new computer every two years because the old one has become 'obsolete' and they are somehow lacking in their value as an american citizen and consumer if they don't have the latest, shiny gadget. the iphone? hello, my heart yearned for that thing. YEARNED! what kind of man am i? reminds me of this verse i found last night:

'surely i was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me' -psalm 51:5

i've never been good, i've never wanted what was right or true or just on my own. oh Lord, how great is the work that You've done in me? i don't think i will ever know.

so i need to get back to this paper, because that glorifies God just as much as anything else. brothers and sisters, please please PLEASE do not let your flesh trick you into believing that the next shirt or the next hard drive or the next Vera Bradley bag will ever fill you, to the slightest extent. not like Christ, not like His grace, not like His blood.

oh simplicity, may i come implore thee?

making deposits.

2007-02-06T09:21:00.000-05:00

i find it funny that age isn't a boundary to or requisite for learning.

i want to learn the big things, but i want to learn the small things, the unnoticeable things.

i'm constantly learning things from the children i babysit in GCL, from 76-year-old women from my home church, and from my brothers on the wall with me here at UF. one brother in particular, Matt Kent, has made a huge impression on me lately, and i didn't even see this coming. last year, his freshman/my sophomore year, we got to know each other from dance parties and a slew of other events the church put on, but we never really clicked. we still haven't.

anyways, over this past summer, matt and a bunch of other gcl'ers went out to a summer leadership training program in colorado where they were challenged to memorize a list of 99 verses. only matt and one other guy took up the challenge. over this past fall semester, i could see a huge change in his character and spirit as he's continued to memorize more and more Scripture. this past week, i was incredibly convicted to start memorizing verses and i love it! it's the last thing i think of when i'm slipping into stillness, and it's the first thing on my mind when i wake up. i actually think i woke up to reciting Psalm 24:3-5!

who will ascend the hill of God?
who shall stand in his holy place?
he who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false, he who does not swear deceitfully. he will receive blessings from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

what an exhilarating way to wake up...i hope there are more like it. i don't have an exact plan right now except to memorize one a week from the verse of 99 and at least two verses that stick out to me in my daily readings. Lord, may i hide your Word in my heart that i might not sin against you.

follow the Spirit inside of you. follow the electrical storm.

missions

2007-02-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

Matt W says men aren't doing anything for Christ. In what ways is this visible? 13 girls and one guy in the Overseas Missions track, what does that say? I didn't do it because I'm already in LDP, commitment is already there. Is the percentage of men that are rising to leadership increasing or decreasing? In GCL or The Church? Thoughts to expand on later...

i did it!

2006-10-27T00:56:00.000-05:00

i really did it! Joey, another preacher that I know, said that we could go at 11:30 on Tuesday, as soon as I got out of class. It took me an hour to actually getting the courage to do it, and once I did, oh man was it a rush! The second that I made the decision in my heart to FINALLY do this, my feet just started moving on their own, carrying me to the center of the Plaza, and my mouth just opened up, and out came the Gospel! Oh Lord, you always catch us when we trust you on this clif. Romans 10, a song we sang in church, was in my head all that day, so naturally I started preaching on Romans 10 (see previous post) and how this is how it is, dabbling a bit into moral relativisim. What an excitement it was, what a joy to know that God is being glorified on this campus! It's so incredibly hard for me to begin to express what it was like, and how this has thrusted me into a deeper state of intimacy and grace with the Father, what an honor! The preaching only lasted for about 5 min, but it felt like 20 seconds. Tom Short is comming next week, oh yes, I'm excited.

ready...fire...aim!!!

2006-10-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

"The fear of man is a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe" -Proverbs 29:25

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." -1 Cor. 15:58

Here we go, tomorrow I begin preaching in Turlington. I would think that I would be freaking out, but suprisingly docile.

"How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed? How will they believe in Him whom they have not heard? And how will they hear without a preacher?" -Romans 10:14

This has to be done, the Lord has to be glorified, or else this life is a waste of oxygen and space. If we don't lose our lives at the foot of the cross, how are we supposed to find them in the first place. Lord, if one gram of me sprouts pride, stick the thorn in my side, deflate that balloon.

"But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it." -Deut. 30:14

inner spaces.

2006-10-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

the word is near

it is in your mouth
it is in your heart

the word is near

God, bring it near, regardless of my youthful ignorance and foolish ways. Tame this serpent in my mind, twisting and writhing from you. The word became flesh, You are in my mouth, You are in my heart, You dwell within me (John 14:17). Tame me. Break me. Waste me of this fear of the children of man, whom you've risen from the dirt. For I'm nothing but the waste of my best deeds, what does man give to you? Who may counsel the Lord in His infinite wisdom? Leave us with nothing but the yearning of our priceless need of You.

who is this King of Glory?

2006-10-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

and how can we explain it? how can I, a man that can barely put together words anyways, explain it to someone else. seems that what's so hard here is the fact that i can't figure out exactly what is the necessity for salvation. as the walk deepens and the trust grows, more beauty and grace is unveiled, more than I could have ever expected, more than I can really put into words. and yet, we brake down this gorgeous relationship which is dynamic, intriguing and constantly beckoning for more attention, into a formula, a diagram, a method. oh Lord, give me the words, the unction, to bring others into salvation.

you are my joy.
you are my joy.
you are my joy.

lucky!

2006-10-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

Oh, Lord, how my heart burns for Iceland.

icelandproject.blogspot.com

There is a poster in my house of Djandi Falls (think Narnia), in eastern Iceland, and over the past two days, I can't take my eyes off of it. The Clifton's and their ministry there is being placed at an incredibly deep level in my chest, the Lord is moving. On Iceland. On Gainesville. On His church. On me. Father, don't let this cease, don't let this relent or wane. Your Creation is screaming in desperation for you, they just don't know your name, despite pop-culture Jesus, whom I loathe so much. Turn mountains into molehills, prepare a way for Your Church, viva la revolution!

Yet, am I willing to give this up too?

no.

2006-09-28T14:29:00.002-05:00

this can't be fake.

this can't be fabricated.

this can't be what i don't want it to be.

God, don't let it go any farther if it's wasting time.

oh, Shachah, don't leave me now.

this can't be a song and dance.

this has to be more.

this has to go deeper.

But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit

and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers. God is spirit, and those who

worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.

feel it rise

2006-09-24T21:17:00.000-05:00

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
running to the battlefield
and losing their lives

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
as a band of worshipers run to the battlefield
they're finding their lives
i hear a voice

What would I do for a larger vocabulary, to express what this song moves in me. Not the song, but my spirit in me connecting with the will of God. I see this, in my heart and my conscience, in my church. It's almost prophetic. What mode will the Spirit rip through this campus with? Waiting in expectation! I can see this going down like Braveheart, an epic battle with no comparison.

rant.

2006-07-28T23:31:00.000-05:00

Thank the Lord for $1.50 movie theatres, because if I had paid any more for my ticket to see The Breakup I would have flipped. If you know me, you know that I think with my heart, that things hit deeper with me than the 'average' person, whatever that means. The entire time we were sitting in this flick, all I could think about is how I want to be the farthest thing away from the character that Vince Vaughn plays. Hollywood has contorted and twisted the image of men and women that sometimes it's hard to see the clear line. Women are made into this adulterous, self-absorbed hootch, while men are degraded into a pile of beer cans, naked women parading around them, with no regard to integrity or honor. Honestly, this bothers me so much. I think it bothers me right now not because that image is being cast upon us men and women of God, but that the world has fallen to such a pit of superficiality that it can't see past the skin. This world continues to see what is in it for itself, what it can get for it's own selfish gain. For some reason, this has moved my heart. Call it compassion, call it pity, call it whatever you may; my heart is crying for something more. Something more than this world can offer. Yes, I have Jesus Christ, and I'm not saying that He's not sufficent, because He surely is! What bothers me is that I feel that, at times, this superficial filth is rubbed off on us. Yes, we are in this world and not of it, and praise the Lord the day that we don't have to be surrounded in this trash, but us a Christians need to be above these things, we need not to be swayed and influenced by our circumstances.

This is how God operates. God is holy, which in turn makes him outside of the influence of anyting in all Creation. The downward spiral that our culture is in doesn't bring Him down, nor make Him less omnipotent. But for some reason now, my heart has never wanted to be more like God than now. I'm so tired and sick of seeing my brothers and sisters be influenced by what is around us. God told us to be holy because He himself was first holy. Our conversations, our choices in entertainment, even our music, is shaded with the trash of this world, some areas more than others.

Something that the Lord has really taught me this summer is the importance of what a man or woman of God talks about. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. How true this is! Listen to a Christian for half an hour in a group setting, and you will start to see what is on their heart. Granted, this quantity of time won't give away all of what is in there, but I'm certain that some key elements of their character will come out. What are they talking about? Food? Music? Sports? Temporal things that really just don't matter? Or are we talking about how God is shaping us into His bride? Are we talking about how we are faithfully carrying out His command to this lost, and obviously, seriously bleeding society? Our culture has suffered a massive blow to the head, bleeding from the inside out, and we don't do anything about it. We think that by our lifestyles we evangelize. No, I'm sorry, it's by the constant dedication to evangelism that shapes our lifestyle. That is the true definition of lifestyle evangelism. How are people going to know of our risen Savior if we don't tell them? How are they going to know of the consequence of sin in their lives and the needed repentance if we don't tell them. How is anyone going to be with us when He comes through the clouds unless we tell them? Unless we stop talking about sports teams that we devote more time to than our time in the Word, stop talking about food that we do or do not like for whatever pointless reason. Granted there is a time and a place for these things, but when the majority of comments made by a person fall under this temporal category, what does that say about the condition of our hearts? We sing songs about how our hearts are totally God's, but do we REALLY mean it? Do we really believe that God is INSIDE of us? Do we really believe that we have a mission here, and that people are hurting and dying in their sin?

I guess what this all boils down to is that my heart is hurting for our Body. That we belive that these things matter, when in reality, they don't. They don't change the course of events of our lives, they don't change eternal destinations, they don't change our character to be more godlike. It's my prayer that God would bring men and women to GCL that have a heart to reach this place, to reach the University of Florida with their whole heart. Titus 2 says that "they profess to know Him, but by their deeds they deny Him." I'm not saying that our brothers and sisters are denying God or Christ, but that our deeds dictate what is really in us, what really makes us tick. That probably isn't the best verse to use, but it's the first one that came to mind. I'm tired of people being afraid or unwilling to put both of their feet in this water of the river of Christ. If you find yourself in this category, I'm praying for you, that God would bring you to a place of complete trust in Him, and that He would completely wrap around your mind, your heart, your words. God WILL build His church, do you want to be a part of it? Come, now is the time...

what lies beneath

2006-07-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

We had big plans today for FSUbmerge to go to the springs with the new people we are meeting. I was pretty excited. On the way out I got a call from my dad. "Dave, hope this doesn't ruin your day today, but your cousin Densie drowned yesterday. They found her on the bottom of the lake." Yeah, not a good start to the day today. I only met Denise once when she came down to stay with us for a few days in the Keys. She's my dad's cousin really, married with three kids (17, 13 & 11). This is really tragic, and I might have to leave Tally for a few days, but somehow the Lord will be glorified in this. It's not too rough for me, I didn't know her (how pathetic is that? that my flesh doesn't even want to mourn) but I know it will be very hard for the rest of my family. Please pray for us, that someone will speak the healing words of Jesus Christ. If I go, I definately want to talk with some of my family about Christ, they need to hear this, especially after something like this. Thanks for reading.

30 days to go...

2006-07-05T18:36:00.000-05:00

My internship is up in thirty days. It's been an interesting experience, but for some reason it feels like it's just getting started. I feel stronger, wiser, more rational, more faithful, but something feels off. I am really looking forward to going home to Ft. Lauderdale on August 5th for three reasons, one I get to see my family, especially my brother; two is that Richard, my brother and I get to go to a Mae show that is right down the street from my house; and third I get time to sit at the beach and process all of what the Lord has taught me this summer. There is a lot in my head, and I just simply don't have the time to process it all. I am really looking forward to getting home, this is going to be amazing! I had to skip II Kings in order to get almost up to date with my Bible reading, I'll tackle it when I get home, or on the ride home with Pooter (Richard)! Good news though! The one guy that I lead to Christ, Jadarya, he wants to get together this Friday for lunch, so we finally get some discipleship in here for the last few weeks! I'm just praying that he can make a connection with these guys, the Firebrand people, because that's what really matters.

Vaka is on right now, Untitled #1 from ( ), I love this song so much. Just like music always does, it places images, memories, future or past, in my head, in my heart. I think the Lord has really made me differently when it comes to this. I'm sure other people, like Cassie, have this same thing, but music just does it for us. I rememember events so much better with a soundtrack that I make posted to it. This whole album reminds me of the last two years in high school, in the Keys house. I miss that house so much! All the memories of staying up all night before leaving for camp, jumping on the Weiland's trampoline until 2 am with Monte, Waffle House (Awful House?), all the good memories with my friends that are too sweet to let out of my heart. I vividly remember looking out into the southern skys, a moonless night with an undulating blanket of stars to keep me occupied. Thinking of those nights, walking down Atlantic Ave., praying, thinking, praying some more. Watching the Molasses Reef bouy's marker light ebb and flow in the black night warmth. Thinking of how the Lord will use my life, how it will all pan out, thinking of all of my friends, and the mindless times we spent together. Thinking of Monte, how much he poured into my life, how much he helped me understand my faith, understand what I was doing with my life, understand who I was. Thinking of how I've never really cared as much for a friend as I did for Monte, how tightly the Lord knit our hearts together...those memories I will not forget. I refuse to.

So here I am, about to start my second half of college, with a whole new book to write in, a whole new slew of memories, of friends to meet, of days to spend with the Lord. I personally can't wait, and I think that's one of the biggest lessons I've learend out of this whole internship. That friends are invaluable, that we can't live without them, and the memories they leave are some of the sweetest, textured times of my life.

sustainment

2006-07-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

I've been back here in Tallahassee for a few days now, got back on Thursday from the Pastor's Conference in Tan-Tar-A, Missouri. Wow, it was incredible!!! Not nearly as amazing as Faithwalkers, but it surely is up there on my list!!! For Sam, Alex and I, it was a litte hard to get a lot out of it because we are not pastors, yet at least, so the topics didn't relate to us AS much, but I know there is a lot that we can apply to our own lives as well as the homegroups that we will be/are leading in Gainesville. Herschel Martindale closed up the conference for us on Wednesday night as he taught through Titus 3.

He presented a point, a key fundamental belief that most Christians miss, I think I may have missed it for a while. It's changed my way of thinking a lot, I've rethought my capabilites, my desires, a lot of stuff. He presented John 14:16-18; "I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

He, the Holy Spirit, will abide with you, me, us, AND He will be IN us!!!!!! All of us!!!! God is inside me, He's inside you, everyone that accepts Christ as their salvation. How amazing is this? If God's very presence is inside of me, what can I not do? Can I fail? No. Can I quit? Not me. Can I burn out? Yes, if I forget this incredibly important piece of Truth. Can I really do all that Christ wants me to do, even though I don't know exactly what that is yet? Of course! These thoughts of God residing in me has changed the way I've thought about how to overcome sin and temptations, because we are the Temple!

This church plant is hard, it's a little unclear right now of what we are doing, but I will continue to do it. Sam & I are running this joint right now, with Pastor Matt in the hospital and Pastor Ryan up in North Carolina at a conference. It's a little overwhelming, but just enough that I can handle it. They weren't kidding when they said that this was Leadership Training. I love it though, having a lot of fun and getting to meet some cool cats up here. Miss Gainesville a ton though, I can not wait to get back and do the Lord's work with my brothers and sisters up there. He has really knit our hearts together, and it's such a blessing that you can only understand through experience because words can't do it justice. I'm off to the grocery store, so peace out. Chew on that verse though, ok?

over the river and through the woods...

2006-06-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

6-25-06 @ 7:47

Here we are on our way to Tan-Tar-A for the Pastor’s And Leader’s Conference, and I’m dang excited! Frank Liu is driving, and I’m laughing at how ironic it is that 4 pastors are trying to beat the insurance system on how to legally drive this rental van. Anyways, I’m really not sure what to expect because Faithwalkers set the bar pretty dang high for me, and Alan Moore said that this was like Faithwalkers on steroids!!! This is going to be intense. I remember how long the drive was for us coming from Gainesville, so this shouldn’t be as bad as we are 2 hours ahead. This amount of time in the car should give me ample time to catch up on my Old Testament readings in my Bible-In-A-Year plan, I’m dang excited! Being around all of these all-stars for 20 hours is going to be amazing, and I’m praying that the Lord would knit our hearts together hardcore like whoa. So maybe I’ll update later on in this drive, maybe not till I get there.

2006-06-23T07:50:00.000-05:00

I saw this on macuser.com and I really enjoyed it. Seems to apply to almost every college student I know! Maybe not the Scientologist part...

New York magazine, as part of their Urban Etiquette Handbook, has a section on “The Four Levels of iPod Interaction : Whom you do and don’t have to unplug for” : LEVEL ONE
Continue at full blast. Consider increasing the vigor of your head-nodding and/or humming.
• Guys passing out bargain-electronics-store flyers.
• Idealistic-looking whippersnappers holding clipboards.
• Scientologists.
LEVEL ONE AND A HALF
Subtly turn down volume.
• People in the elevator you don’t know.
• Someone attractive who sits down next to you on the train while you are listening to the Goo Goo Dolls.

LEVEL TWO
Make a big show of pressing PAUSE.
• Anyone who approaches you while you’re working out.
• Non-panhandlers on the subway (may be helpfully pointing out that your bag is open, may be distracting you in a Gangs of New York–style pickpocket ruse).
• Co-workers you hate.
• Friends.
• Your parents, if you’re a teenager.

LEVEL THREE
Remove headphones, toss them jauntily over shoulder.
• People in the elevator you know.
• Anyone taking your money or instructions about how to prepare your food.
• Co-workers you don’t hate.
• Your parents, if you’re an adult.
• Police officers.

LEVEL FOUR
Completely remove and enclose in nearest pocket/bag/ purse.
• Co-workers who could have you fired in less than an hour.
• Anyone who’s crying.
• Police officers standing next to someone who’s pointing at you and saying, “That’s him!”

rednecks and registration

2006-06-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

Honoring Him with my finances has been incredible. Yesterday was a weird weird day. I sold my car, which was awesome cause I got to pay off two of my credit cards and tithe some of it. But the buyers were nuts. First off, from the first time this guy calls me to get info about the car, he's short with me, rude, and just doesn't know how to do business. He suprised me by actually showing up earlier than he said he would, AND he had the cash with him. So these two redneck guys my age check out the car, and the one guy that wants to buy it says he wants to go for a test drive, which is all good. We get in the car, I'm in the backseat, and let's just say that my dead great-grandmother can drive stick shift better than this kid.

He puts the engine up to 3,500 rpm's, THEN lets out the clutch as we are trying to back out of the parking lot. Needless to say, I was scared/thinking "what if I go Home early today?". This kid starts driving around the FSU stadium like he was Dale Junior or something, it was nuts. He can't shift, he can't drive straight, all him and his friend talks about is how it's got good low end pickup and junk, things that immature hot-headed teenage boys talk about. So we take it back to the house after the thought of going Home early runs through my head about three or four more times. He signs the paper work, hands over the cash, I sign over the title, it's a done deal. He drives off, I thank the Lord for providing a buyer so quickly, I'm at peace. Alex and I get in the car to go up the street to the Wachovia to deposit the money and my paycheck, when I get a phonecall from this joker. He said the car died at the gas station. "Oh, crap, what did you do know?" runs through my head. After we make the deposit, we head up to the gas station where they are, and after I get in the car, the car starts up fine. I don't want to even know what they've done to that car. As we are about to pull back out into the street to go home, they run up to Alex's Jeep and ask for a flipping refund!!!!!! I told him, "Bud, as it states on the Bill of Sale, the car is as is where is with no warranty implied or stated. The car is fully in your hands now, I'm out of the picture." And we drove off. I can't believe this guy!!! The audacity he has!!! We go home, all is well.

About 19:30 at night, he calls me again!!! He starts yelling at me, calling me an effin liar!!! I was getting aggrivated to say the least. He says that he took it to a mechanic and they took off the alternator and it was fried. Great Dale Jr. what did you do know in the last two hours you've owned my car? I told this guy that he forewent his chance to take it to an auto mechanic before he bought it, which he never did, and he got all pissed off at me and hung up!!! I can't believe this guy. So it's a done deal, I've got the money, he's got my car, and two of my credit cards are paid off. The audacity of some people will always baffle me till Kingdom come!!!

should...

2006-06-20T21:40:00.000-05:00

I should be in bed, but I decided to update this thang. I've never felt like my life has been in more order than it is now! It's such an incredible feeling. This summer we've been going through the Crown Financial Study and it's made me realize how much He is in control of those areas of our lives, and how I need to honor Him more with that. So today I downloaded Mvelopes, a program from Crown that helps you organize your finances even more based on your debit and credit card transactions, its so amazing! I'm getting my mom on it, and probably my brother too, if that kid ever gets a job. Having a plan of getting out of debt is incredible!!! The end is in sight! Especially because within the first day of having my car up for sale on Autotrader, I've had 3 calls and 2 offers, in which the bid is $100 over my asking price! He is so faithful!!! I dunno, life is great, I love Him, and I can't wait to get out of debt! Goodnight!

love & release

2006-05-31T19:17:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I got an e-mail from my big sister (spiritual) that she was stopping by here in Tally to visit Lauren, Sam & I before she left next week for the Middle East. She is going for two years, preaching the imperishing Word of God to the Muslims there in her region, and we won't see her until she returns (or I come up with $1500 for the plan ticket, kinda unlikely). We had an amazing time, catching up, sharing each others minds, sipping coffee and tea at All Saints Cafe, and buying Flair pens for journaling to Jesus. It was a 21 hour visit (stupid sleep wasting that time) and almost the entire time I was at a loss for words. What this woman has taught me, how she encourages me, challenges the home group, and goes after Jesus in the Middle East with complete reckless abandon, I have never seen or known anything like it before. A few months ago, she left to go to orientation for her trip, where she was gathered with "some of the most hardcore people after Jesus ever" (that was more of a paraphrase...whoops!), so we got to talk about those people too, and how they affected her life. She left at 1:15 p.m. (How do I describe these emotions? Please forgive me for stumbling through this) She left the parking lot, she left America, she left my heart so it seems. I've never really hurt like this before, I've never cried over someone leaving like this before, I've never had someone that has spoken so much Truth into my life before, and I/we won't get to see her for two years. What can happen in two years? To any of us?!? Only the Lord knows. She is in the middle (Middle?) of His will, which is good and safe, more than I could know. As the car pulled out of the parking lot, I was thankful that I was wearing sunglasses, cause man here came the tears. I went around the corner where Lauren couldn't see me, and just wept to God, thanking Him for everything that He has done in her life, in my brothers and sisters lifes through her, in homegroup through her, everything. I will never know anyone like her. But she is safe, in the palm of His hand, and I know He has it all under control, so what is to worry? Probably my selfishness that I won't be able to see her again for a long long time. Unlike last night, I know I will rest tonight knowing that she is running as hard and fast as she can after Him, in a way I haven't known before which completely inspires me and challenges me to look bigger, look broader, set the bar higher, and challenge people to get mixed up for Jesus, to not waste this life on our 401(k)'s and retirement plans. In the words of Peter Marvin, a good friend of mine up here, "Working for someone else's glory has got to be the greatest job on the face of the Earth."

At Faithwalkers, Doug Patterson quoted Jim Elliot: "Christ needs some young fellows to sell out to Him, and recklessly toss their lives into His work. It seems to me like you ought to be one of them." Yes, we ought to be one of them. She decided to be a part of that, I have too, will you?

V

2006-04-15T15:40:00.000-05:00

"Why won't you die?"

"Because behind this mask is more than flesh.
More than bone.
There's an idea.
And idea's are bulletproof."

I can't shake this, this HAS to be my life. Church planting HAS to be my life, my life has to be a part of this revolution. A counter-culture Christian revolution to counter the culture and bring glory to His name. Idea's are bulletproof. Jesus, make me bulletproof.

little more than useless?

2006-04-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

I was thinking, as I walked to the bathroom here at work, that I'm not very useful to the Kingdom. I feel like I'm not winning people to Christ, I'm not effectively leading my lifegroup guys, I'm not doing this right. This is what it feels like, not saying that's the truth. Raising support for this internship is hard, real hard, and I'm not that happy anymore cause life is hard, and I'm partially basing my happiness on my circumstances. JB and I were talking about how during growth, life isn't all that fun. But once you get through it, you go through the fire that God put you through, it gets a lot better. I can't wait for support raising to be over, I just want to spend time with my guys.

2006-04-02T23:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to make this long and verbose, but I really enjoy who I've become. Not on my own will, mind you, but on God's. It's His progessive answer to my prayer for the past 4 years of my life. Life is gorgeous, and I can't wait to get married, I really can, but I can't wrap my brain around the concept of 'David's wife'. Please check out Explosions In The Sky!'s website, they have a new e.p. out and the free song is incredible. Once again, Explosions making my life more and more beautiful without ever saying a word. Funny how God does the same thing. Man...'david's wife'...I don't get it, but one day i'll be able to die to myself. For her. For my kids. For my church. How exciting! Go and get that mp3!

2006-04-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

Agh! I look at people, and I'm so quick to judge, so quick to get on my soapbox, in my heart, and think that I've got it all together and others around me are falling to pieces because they aren't doing things the way that I think they should be done.
I'm rediculous.
I'm human.
I'm me.
And this is where I stand in front of my Lord, with my selfish and judgemental heart in my hands, begging to be reconditioned, like a new baseball glove that you but oil on and stick in the oven to overcome the stubborness and stiffness. Why can't I just look at life and say "hey, it is beautiful, even with this sin"? I don't know why. I want to know why I can't. My eye is so quick to see the sin in others, where is the log that is in my eye? It's got to be in here somewhere, maybe I'll find it in the morning. Maybe I won't be able to see when I wake up until I take it out. Come over, stay longer, I'm tired of this.

sorry!

2006-03-30T19:22:00.000-05:00

Haven't updated this in a while, the Holy Spirit hasn't really convicted me to do so! Haha...oh man. This semester has been crazy awesome, a little bit of pain, but the Lord's power is made perfect in weakness! Support raising takes up a lot of my time, but I love it so much! The Lord is doing great things through this church and this movement, and people need to hear about it! I could raise support for the rest of my life!!! Now I really don't see anything holding me back from being on staff for the rest of my life. The only hard part about support raising is having to ask donors for names of others that woudl be interested and talking to them. I did my first one of those calls just now, but it flowed great! If there is 1 degree of separation, you always have something to talk about, the middle person!!! Overall, this has been an incredible experience, especially when we get to talk to the other interns via e-mail and encourage them. One girl I met, Sarah Campbell, rocked my face off, still does, and we keep encouraging each other, she has such a heart of a warrior! These interns across the country are incredible, I love them so much and I've known them for such a short period of time. Back to making calls!

2006-03-23T15:03:00.000-05:00

I think it's pretty dang cool how God answers prayers. I've been seeking His face for a while on this topic, and I realized that he has been answering it without me even knowing it! He's just so dang cool. Also the other day, I was walking back from class, and this joy just flooded my mind! All I could think of is how freakin blessed we are knowing Him and the Truth!!!

This came as a result of listening to the Turlington preachers yesterday, in which God totally changed my heart towards them! You may know the guys I'm talking about, they hold the gigantic signs that condemn people to Hell. I used to judge them, rebuke them in my head and heart, sometimes verbally, I was embarassed that I was associated by faith with them. But I listened to them yesterday, really listened to them, and God worked on my heart! I saw that they weren't arrogant or full of hate and condemnation, but that they loved people, and they were preaching the Gospel!

If we preach a Jesus that is all love, the feminate Jesus that I hate, people don't take it seriously and I think it belittles the power that we hope in. You need to preach love, as well as God's justness, which is an extension of His love that people can't grasp. I don't care if people got pissed off, mostly because they didn't give these two men any of their time. They passed a judgement in their heads that these two were arrogant pricks up on their Christian soapboxes, when in reality these are broken men with broken lives, living a life made holy through the power of Jesus Christ! Jeremiah, the bigger guy, pulled out a pack of Marlboro's, sat on the ground and starting talking about how his divorce was his worst mistake ever. You could see he was still hurting inside, Lord knows how many years ago it was. These guys rock, and the next time you walk past them in Turlington, don't just judge them as some fundamentalist freaks, but give them 10 min of your time. They're fufiling Matthew 28, just in a way that may rub you the wrong way. It's better than doing a Bible study at a bar, that's for sure.

stupid me!

2006-03-20T03:34:00.000-05:00

What an amazing spring break this has been! The Lord has definitely blessed the time spent back home in they Keys, and then my dad and I had several awesome conversations about God, deviance of Biblical manhood & womanhood in America, dating methodology, and his desire to get back into church! The Lord is moving on his heart, he's finally starting to answer our prayers! Today's sermon at Calvary Sawgrass was about simplicity, more specifically the simplicity of our relationship with Christ. So, as the common trend with me, I kicked the tires, lit the fires and headed down to Introspectionville.

God showed me that I try to be way too intellectual with Him. Peter is one of my best friends, Peter is also one of the smartest people I know, and we have intellectual conversations about God and junk all of the time, and maybe now it’s starting to rub off into my relationship with Him. I am David Lindeman, a man who loves Christ with his whole heart, and wants to serve Him. I’m not necessarily the smartest person ever or the sharpest tool in the shed, but since my friendship with Peter has deepened, I've somehow picked up this desire to be on par with him in his intellectualness, which isn't what God is asking of me.

I don’t know a lot of verses, I don’t know Hebrew and Greek (despite the desire to change that), I'm not some revolutionary theologian, I'm me, and simply put, that's simply how it needs to be. God has really showed me that I am JUST like my father, in so many ways it literally freaks me out. I see it in my mannerisms, in my speech, in my haircut, but there is a huge flipside to it, our relationships with God, and that's enough to separate us as wide as the Red Sea.

So as I figure myself out more and more each day, in a phase of introversion for God knows how long, He, in His incredible patience, shows me that I am me, made exactly the way that He planned, and I really should have no desire to change that. If I wanted to, I can see that somehow conveying "Hey God, you don't know best, cause B is what I really need to be, and A just isn't cutting it anymore for me." I used to have that attitude, maybe it's still there, but it's incredibly important for us to solidify our identity on our own in Christ, or we become this chameleon that people can’t trust.

the socks are off!

2006-03-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

Crazy Ft. Lauderdale, I’ll never understand you. Beautiful women, good sushi, ungodly huge mansions, and a lot of gay guys, especially at Boarder’s. I’m not homophobic by any means, I just gets to me when they look at you, well, me. You do your thing, just don’t involve me in it. I’m not condoning it by any means, it’s defiantly wrong and un-Biblical, but there are things in life that people just won’t budge on, and we have to accept that. God Himself is king, He’s going to take care of it all with one word: smite. That can be a scary word, just really glad that I’m on His side of the fence. This week has been absolutely incredible, I really don’t know where to begin! Ever since Kevin & I left the youth group two years ago, I was worried that it was all going to fall apart cause we were the upper classmen, the role models, the kids needed us right? Right? No, not really. It was just a prideful thought of mine that I was really that important to what was going on there. They are doing fine, just a few bumps in the road like everyone else, as I sit back in humility. God is freaking awesome, He began a mighty work in me there at that church in the Keys, and I’m incredibly thankful for that because now I have such a strong base to fall back on hopefully for support with full time ministry after graduation. Pastor Charles and I talked a lot about the pro’s and con’s of seminary when I was down there at their house, and it’s defiantly growing stronger on my heart. I really don’t know what’s going to happen in the next two years, but for me to be all that I want to be for Him, seminary is a wise step in that direction. Yeah, it’s not Biblical per se, it’s just a spring board for academia, something that doesn’t always rock my world.
The past few days with my dad have been absolutely incredible, I can see the Lord working on his heart more and more. We’ve had quite a few conversations that have been very open about spirituality, dating, church, all that junk, and it seems like he wants to get back into church, hopefully for the last time! God has done mightier things, this isn’t a mountain for Him. Plus what I’ve got is probably smaller than a mustard seed anyways. He dances all around, without ever making a sound.

God or us?

2006-03-14T23:41:00.000-05:00

Should we Christians be living out our lives like the shephard in the parable of 99 sheep? Should we give up and walk away from all that we have to reach out to that one that's lost? There comes a point when love and wisdom say their goodbye's, and to leave everything to pick that 1 back up wouldn't be the wisest thing to do, but Jesus did it, so why shouldn't we? Thank you Mrs. Brishke.

2006-03-13T22:30:00.000-05:00

I sat by the ocean today, on my bench at the homeowners park.
sat.
breathed.
gazed.
breathed again.
pondered.
puzzled.
breathed.
prayed.
cried.
And I cried again. I just broke down in tears thanking God for what He has done with me, how He used this church, First Baptist Key Largo, to get me off on the right foot. I can't stop thanking Him. Right now I'm talking to Katie Regelmann about how growing up involves letting go of some friendships. I'm trying to find the balance of how many to let go of? There are a few that I don't ever want to give up: Monte, Janet, the Regelmann girls (especially after today's talk with Jenna), and Tessie. Something tells me not to give up, something tells me this isn't over yet. As soon as classes are over with, I'm coming back down again. I'd be a fool to go another 2 years, I love these people too much to let that happen again.

reignited.

2006-03-13T00:23:00.000-05:00

You can't leave the ones you love fade out of your life. If you do, you are a fool. I've been a fool for the past two years. I'm done with being a fool. So here I am, Sufjan Stevens in my ears, convictions in my heart. I pray that I can stick to them, cause if I don't, what does that make me? I love you Monte Zerbe, I can't say it enough, I could never say it enough.

3-11-06 @ 12:13 AM @ The Rosenbalms house

2006-03-12T14:02:00.000-05:00

Today I drove down to my hometown of the keys today. This was the first time in 2 years. As I drove south on US1, looking out past the green and brown colors of the mangroves, tears fell from my eyes as I thought of how this was the place that the Lord started to do His work in me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for what He has done for me so far. As I kept driving a bit farther, I saw smoke ahead, not really thinking anything of it. As I get closer, I see a car that has spun off of the road into the mangroves and was completely engulfed in roaring flames. Pulled over to make sure everyone was out of the car and everything was ok, it was a relief that no one was hurt. When I finally got into Key Largo, a weird flood of emotions came over me, which I am still trying to dig through. Part nostalgia, part loneliness, part joy, all of these thoughts and memories of the 4 years I spent here rushed through my conscience. Home is so relaxing, and I never thought I would have missed this place as much as I do. Went straight to the Rosenbalms, chatted for a while, then off to PJ’s to see him and Kevin, up to Kevin’s to see his parents, back to PJ’s to catch up with his mom, then back do the Rosenbalms to have dinner, then down to the Drebenstedts to see Sarah, who is growing up so much! I wish I had words for what I am feeling, but God knows exactly what I mean so it’s ok. Life flashes before your eyes, and I plopped on Mrs. Brishke’s couch like the 2 years was a vapor. Some of it feels like a vapor, other a stone, not moving. I need to get to bed. Maybe I can figure this out for later.

countdown

2006-03-09T23:05:00.001-05:00

This weekend is so bittersweet. I'm going home for the first time in 2 years to the Keys this weekend, and I can't wait to see everyone. I'm going to be staying at my pastors house, we have a lot of catching up to do. It's going to be incredible, but tomorrow is the last time I will see Amber for a long long time. She's going, fufiling my life verse, Isaiah 6, and I'm so proud of her. We can relate on such an amazing level, I love it, I love her, and I'm going to miss her. We all are. There are a few of us that are scrounging to spend the last few minuets she has here with her, so I've got 10:30-11:30 tomorrow. I still haven't even packed yet for home! Plus Matt Gordon wants to get together tomorrow and pray before I head home. Dang, it's busy, but all for the glory of God right? I can't wait for this summer, I can't wait to hang out with everyone (you if your going!!), and I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to use us to do His work. I can't wait to see the harvest that is waiting for us, I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to grow me personally to the man and leader that He want's me to be, as well as everyone else. I'm on the same page with Brandon Shore when I say that one of the most exciting things about college is watching people grow up and grow out of their old shells. The Lord is incredible, even though He isn't safe or easy, He sure is good, very very good. I will follow Him till the ends of the earth, even if it's not Iceland. I'll write more on that later, but it's an hour past my bedtime! Peace out yo.

wtf mates?

2006-03-07T08:57:00.000-05:00

Im still trying to figure this out!

Now I want to go to Japan!

brain blood mesh filter?

2006-03-07T07:56:00.000-05:00

OK, just had this thought, which is an important one for me. I'm at work, and I'm listening to my favorite Charlie Hall song, "Your Glory Endures Forever". It's really hard for me to describe this block that I have, this wall that is in my heart. I have yet to sucessfully describe it to someone, no matter how hard I try. There is something in my heart, or maybe my spirit, that is stopping from experiencing the full joy of Christ. No, I don't mean my sin/being here on Earth and not in Heaven, but there is something that is stopping me from living my life out Psalm 111 style. I try to praise God will all that I have, and I feel that I fall short or that something (Satan?) is stopping me. If you know me, you know that whether or not the iPod is on, I always have a song in my head...it's just the way God made me. Lately, that song has been Desperation Band's "Amazed", and I keep singing the chorus over and over again in my heart and head all day long. This is what I just realized: That when I sing that song from my heart, with no song or worship leader in front of me, that is when I feel like I am fufilling Psalm 111:1. So it seems to me that "Your Glory Endures Forever" is dampened from the time it leaves the speaker cones on the headphones to when it goes through my ears and into my head, like somehow Satan is stopping it from meaning more to me than it possibly can.

Satan knows what is going to happen, he knows that he is going to lose and there is no gain for him in all that he does. So I wonder if he knows God's plans for our lives and he is trying to stop those. If he knows that I want to be a pastor of a church, it makes sense that he would try to slow me down, drag his heels into my life plans. This feeling of the wall (i call it 'The Vague') isn't anything new, it's been here for almost 1 year. I first got it when I was driving in Ft. Lauderdale the week before Summer A started, and I freaked (froked?) out. But the Lord, in His amazing patience, has helped me deal with that feeling, as it ebbs and flows in my life. It swells up when I'm about to start support raising for the day, but if I get busy and don't slow down to think about it, I can overcome it.

So this is all starting to make sense, that Satan could be putting this damper on my heart, which affects all areas of my life: my time with God, my leadership in the church, my relationships with my family and friends, with my finances, with the desire to work out, everything. But I can work through it now, the Lord has definately helepd me be strong enough to survive with this on my back. I'm flying with an elephant on my back, but somehow now it feels as light as a feather. Must be the weather, in December, like a genner. Is genner a real word? It does for the sake of rhyming. 2...4...6...8...12...no BAKERS DOZEN!!!!!!!!!!

no!!!!!

2006-03-06T07:26:00.000-05:00

Ah, crap. Cartel is coming to Jax tonight, and I know a lot of the guys want to go see them, I'm dying to see them. But I know that I need to get a lot of letters done tonight. CRAP! Oh well...it's all for the best. I also don't get to go on our Spring Break trip. I'm going to go home and get a lot of support raising done so I can get ahead a bit, I need to utilize all the time I have to get with people and get letters out. I'm finally going to be able to get down to Key Largo for the first time in almost 2 years! I want to jump off of the Ch. 2 bridge so bad!!! Hopefully the Lord will really honor this time down there and make it incredibly fruitful!!! It'll be good to see my parents as well. I really wanted to go up to Wilmington and meet some peeps up there, arg!!! But this is necessary for me to do what I need to do this summer, so I guess it's ok. I'm just frustrated that I can't go on the trip that I got to plan, and was so excited about going up there to serve. Man, it'd be nice to see Cartel & Copeland tonight...

milano

2006-03-05T22:49:00.001-05:00

I really have nothing to write in here. It's funny how right people can be, sometimes they know it, other times they don't. Peter, Mark, Alan, a lot of guys in my life don't really realize it. I really have nothing to write in this dead air space.

yikes

2006-03-02T22:23:00.000-05:00

This is rough. Support raising is coming along, but Satan is hard, HARD, on my face...He's putting a lot of lies in my head, and I have to fight them off. All day I've been attacked, I just want to get to bed. Got a few more letters out, still chugging away. I can't go on our missions trip now, Matt Gordon thinks it would be wiser for Sam and I to stay and go home over the week. I need to get home anyways, and I want to spend 2 days fasting and camping...getting my head on straight and my heart rejuvinated. The outdoors is the shadow of the Lord's wing for me, it's where I get my strength, it's where I find out who I am. Disconnecting yourself from society every once in a while is incredible, absolutley incredible. Screw the cellphone, iPod, debit card, just you, a journal, Bible, and the greatest friend ever. I need spring break to get here fast.

t minus 10 minuets

2006-02-28T22:19:00.000-05:00

OK, real fast. Homegroup wen't really well, got a lot of encouragement on the ride home from Wendi, she rocks. Lifegroup is awesome, we never do the same thing twice anymore...poker one week, blowing up a giant plastic tent the next week, this week swinging on swings at the park, next week? God knows. Suppport raising is starting, have my first gift coming in tomorrow, I'm excited! Can't wait to chill on my Sabbath, I really really need it. Jaime and I are going to do some Photoshop work together on Saturday, so maybe I can finish up some other pieces I was starting on. Spring Break plans are falling more into place, Berk is amazing to work with, I'm excited to see how God is going to use us in that week. I'm off to bed, dead tired. Read Psalm 111 by the way, randomly opened it tonight...good stuff for my basis of promises and principles. I might memorize that chapter...good stufff!!!!!!!!!!!

MTD. Done.

2006-02-27T01:34:00.000-05:00

OK, so it's over. It was an intense weekend, probably one of the most intense conferences I've ever been to. We learned so much and the Lord has already stretched us a lot, and I know that He's no where near done growing us. I have to raise about $775 a week to meet my goal, but we'll see who the Lord provides to give. One key point they stressed was that God has already predetermined who is going to support us and be on our team, all our job is is to go out there and tell people our exciting story of what God is doing at UF and FSU, and see if they are one of the one's that God has picked. I think I'm going to go home this weekend, meet some more people at my mom's church in Ft. Lauderdale, and hopefully soon make it down to the Keys to reignite some of those old relationships. I'm excited, I really am, but at the same time I'm pretty scared. When I sit down and think about it though, that's a completley illegitimate feeling to feel, because my fear is irrational. I have no basis to be afraid, because God is going to provide, and if He chooses for me not to do this internship, I'm still going to Tally to work with this church plant.

The whole time I was thinking full-time ministry in the back of my head. I know I would love to do it, and that's what i'll do this summer, but for now I need to put a lot (7 hours a week) of work into finding out who God has picked. Paul Standinger, the head of the trainging, said that we need a base of principles and promises for the times when it gets dark, so Sam and I are trying to remember some awesome verses. We ( the MTD crew) set up a listserv for the 15 of us, and we are going to be constantly encouraging each other and praying for eachother as we go into this fire together. There is going to be a massive amount of character development, so I'm interested to see what God is going to do through Sam and I.

This is going to be intense. I'm not ready, I never will be, but I don't think I need to be ready for God to work in me. I wasn't ready for all of this, but here I am...and all I can do now is walk. If I don't, I'm not a man nor one obeying his Father.

my head hurts. a lot.

2006-02-25T22:15:00.000-05:00

First of, I'm going to miss this crew. We are already pretty tight, all working towards a common goal, and there is definately a lot of comorodarie here. Pardon the spelling errors, i'm dead freaking tired. We are all going to be on a listserv so that we can e-mail eachother our stories and encouraging verses. The crew from Michigan is so dang cool, I've bonded with a few of their guys. Today we went over what we are exactly going to say when we sit down for the "presentation speech" with people, which should only happen about 20 times. Once I get a few down in real life, I'll be ok. Paul Standinger and a few other people will be doing exit interviews tomorrow before we leave to make sure that we are ready. I need to get a few things down, like my decription of GCM and whatnot. I hate speaking so fast, I'm makes me stumble over my words. I need to force myself to slow down.

Overall it's been an incredible conference. It's more than drinking out of a firehose, it's like opening your mouth under Niagra Falls. There is so much expected of you in such a short amount of time it's crazy. Satan has/is/will try to lie to me, telling me I'm not supposed to be here, but I know the Truth, I know that He never lets the righteous go without provision. The Lord already answered a prayer today that I haven't even prayed about! I needed to get a shift at work picked up every once in a while, and this guy from work randomly called me wanting to pick up my overnight shifts. That was so dang awesome!!

With a combination of being extremely tired, a little homesick, and missing my friends, I got discouraged tonight. I was sitting down with Derek, practicing my talk, and he said that I didn't sound very excited about what I was talking about. I'm so freaking tired, I think that's why. But I took it to heart, and even now I'm a little discouraged. I've got some Crowder on, trying to get my head on straight. Sam and I are going to do one more runthrough before we get to bed here in a mineute. I've got a lot of work to do this semester, no time for messing around. This is going to be a semester of true character development, and we'll see what the Lord brings out when you squeeze the orange. I'm excited about edifying and being edified by my brothers and sisters here as we go through this semester. Some have to raise $15,000, others like me have to do a normal $8,500, and some are doing about $6,000. It all depends on the length and location of your program. I've got to get to bed now, no running for me tomorrow, just Jesus. Yeah, goodnight, and thank you for reading this.

Wow!

2006-02-24T23:34:00.000-05:00

Man, day one of MTD is over. Sam is in bed, so I can't type long. We're getting up at 6 tomorrow, I'm running then praying, can't wait!!! I got hit by Satan once or twice today in the conference, little lies about what do I really want to do with my life. I could feel this desire for joy to swell up inside of me, but something/someone is blocking that. I need to find the weakness. I'm really glad that Paul Standinger keeps talking about Satan's tactics while we are support raising. Sam and I prayed about that tonight, an awesome prayer time, that we would all be resistant to those attacks. If you're reading this, please pray for us! We've got a daunting task before us, but I know God will provide. All throughout the psalms, David always talks about how he has never seen a righteous man go without God's provision. Likewise, Paul S was saying how we need to have a basis of promises and principles for the rainy days, when it's not looking good. No one ever promised us that we would be interns, it's still up to the Lord. But he knows our desires, so either they change or God grants us this. I can't imagine anything better, but if He takes it away, then obviously there is something better out there.

Listening to Crowder's "God of Wrath" right now before bed, what an incredible song for this stage of my life. "My life for you, my love for you, all I am for you." This is all I want to do with my life, full time ministry, all the freakin time, support raising is just another awesome opprotunity to include others in what God is doing across the world. After today, that's such a beautiful picture!!!! Some would say it's a necessary evil, which is a point of view I may take for a bit in the dark of it all, but I need that basis of principles and promises. I need to get to bed now, I'll update this more later when I have more time, maybe before the first sessoin. We are going all day tomorrow, please pray for us! What an incredible day.

Jim Crowe!

2006-02-23T11:50:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my hopefully future roomates Peter and Brian, and I was enjoying my tuna pita with munster cheese in Turlington and also had a bananna. Basically we wondered if you throw a bananna at a black man, would it be a hate crime? It was a light hearted conversation. I got up to walk towards a trash can, in which there was a black guy sitting on a wall near it, it just looked like a hate crime was about to go down!!! Good stuff. Damien Rice's "O" has been on repeat on the iPizod lately, I can't get enough of it. Some of it is just really relates, plus the music is eerily gorgeous, haunting almost. As always, music is my life, well, not an idol. Back to Photoshop!

social peacock?

2006-02-22T09:50:00.000-05:00

Sitting here in class, Interpersonal Communications, so I decided to blog. This class is ok, I've had better. A lot better. We had to write one of our journals for class on our most intimate relationship, so naturally I wrote on Jesus! I loved it, it came out pretty good. I'll let you read it, just cause I love yall:

When I think of the most important relationship that I have, immediately I think of my relationship with Jesus Christ. I’ve personally known him since I was a kid back in 1998, where my introduced me to him. Most people have heard of him, you know, Son of God, His only begotten Son, the perfect man. I formed this relationship almost out of necessity, because if I never started hanging out with him, my entire life (and much more) would have been affected. Part of it was necessity, another motive was just responding to what he had to offer me. He freely offers eternal life to anyone who asks, so I took it, and now I’m spending more time with him than I ever thought I would when we started this relationship.
It’s taken a few different forms over the past few years, especially in high school, but the fundamentals of the friendship have remained the same. Back in high school, girls and popularity seemed to take place of my time with Jesus, and consequently I put it on the back burner. I never completely walked away from all of it, but I definitely wasn’t treating our relationship as if it held any substance with me. It stayed this way till about my senior year, when I started to get a more realistic perspective of things that really mattered in this life. Now, 2 years into college, he has meant more to me than ever before, and I can’t see my life even continuing another day without him. I know he will never ever leave me regardless of what I do or say, but my life wouldn’t be as nearly as interesting, exciting, meaningful, and full of life as it is now. Even though I still don’t realize how much I really owe him because of what he did for me on the cross, I realize a piece of it, and that causes me to freely give up my time, motives, desires, and life without hesitation. There is tension there in the relationship sometimes, but not all of the time. If there is, it’s usually because I’m stubborn and shortsighted, or my will and desires aren’t what’s best for me. Usually it’s resolved by just spending time with him out in nature or reading his journal, The Bible. Self-discipline is pretty important, but not completely necessary to the continuation of the relationship. I need to set aside time, a good hour per day, and just chill with him. If I don’t, then I start to freak out and get worried about things that I really shouldn’t be.
I have never ever been more satisfied in my entire life than now, as I live the life that the Lord is laying out for me. When I realize that my ways are pretty pathetic compared to his infinite wisdom, and I submit to that, a collision occurs and true beauty appears.

I wrote it in like 20 min, just flowed very nicely. It's pretty dang foggy today, I like it, except my lenses get little raindrops all over them. So much for a quiet time outside today. I'm going to reinstall XP at the CSC later on, this computer gets so slow, it's just time to get it done. Still waiting on the MacBook Pro, well, waiting for the funds to come in. I'm going to do the Radiant Research study on hooida, so 1 weekend I get $600, it's not bad!!!! I'll put that towards it or the Casio digital camera. I'm trying not to be a consumer Christian, just a wise investor. I'll pay a bit more now for something that will last me a lot longer than a dell or something. I need to pay attention here in class....so peace out.

Rock it! Pop it!

2006-02-21T14:15:00.001-05:00

I snagged this off of Alan's best friend's (Greg in LA)Xanga blog. I really liked it, it's from Relevant Magazine.

The best resolution I've read so far:

-Live my own life. For every child Angelina Jolie adopts, I'll donate a hundred dollars to the Red Cross. For every celebrity marriage that I read is dissolved or annulled, I'll take my wife out to dinner. For every peek I take at People or Us Weekly, I’ll reread Ecclesiastes.

Part of your world

2006-02-21T14:15:00.000-05:00

Different names...

2006-02-20T09:46:00.000-05:00

I'm at the CSC with some of my girls...HG girls that is. This is Amber's computer, and I've got this mint chocolate in my mouth, tastes pretty weird. Two thoughts passed through my head on my way over here from work. 1) There is sadness in leaves and 2) All the wrong people tell me things. The leaves thing is from a song by Sleeping At Last, he blatantly says that previous statement. I was looking at some stock photos online while I was messing around on Photoshop, and there was a picture of a lady danging around in leaves with a massive smile on her face. She was all bundled up as if it was one of those dry cold days with no clouds or cares in the sky. For me, it was melancholoy(?, but more happy than sad, not a perfect 50/50 balance. Nothing huge on this thought, just a thought. The other one hit me just a few minutes ago. People, the wrong people, maybe not the wrong people but the people I don't want to hear it from, tell me things. I dunno, just in a middle ground, and it's ok, but my life consists of a lot more than this. I love Jesus, yeah, and I don't want my stubborness to swell over that area, cause it can sometimes, where it seems to minimalize Christ because I can't see past that subborness. Off to an extended quiet time, work was canceled last night so I got some sleep. I have absolutely no sleep schedule, i love it.

bad rap?

2006-02-19T02:59:00.000-05:00

Am I too intense? Am I too in your face for some people? I just got off the phone with my ex, we talked for 2 hours about stuff, God and the like, and she said that this new me is a little different, what was the word she used? I can't remember. It was a really really good conversation though. We'll see where God takes it. As for me, He's leading me to sleep...waking up in 5 hours to run with Peter before church!! God is freakin awesome...I don't think I'm going to compromise my in-you-face-ness for anything...maybe God will change my heart. Maybe He won't.

gone! all gone!

2006-02-17T13:24:00.000-05:00

My hair! It's gone! It's gone short! OH MY GOSH!!!!! It feels so weird, when I shake my head I might get whiplash now!!!! Oh man, I'm so excited! Cori Matthews flipped out! She was yelling!!!! It was so funny. Ok, im off to class...now that no one recognizes me!

payroll

2006-02-17T08:54:00.000-05:00

At work, listening to Takk... at the back station, reading some Exodus online, and thinking. I'm way behind with the OT stuff, so I'm on ch. 14, on of my favorite chapters of the Torrah, only because of one verse. 14:14. Check it out, how can we be afraid of anything if we hide this verse in our hearts? Seriously? I love this verse so much. We got paid today as well...and my boss got on me about picking up the checks from the upstairs office, didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that. Oh well, no big deal. Back to Jonsi and Moses.

whole wheat pizza!!

2006-02-16T18:15:00.000-05:00

It's not that much healthier for you than regular bleached wheat pizza. But it is better than Five Star!!!! It's good, but it's still pizza. I'm on Jackie's 12" PowerBook, it feels so smooth, so sexy! I love this thing. Can't wait for the MacBook Pro! Anyways, we're sitting on her futon, listening to Cary Brothers, eating whole wheat pizza, and watching this cool sunset over the apartment complex while her dog Monte is running everywhere trying to eat my iPod headphones. Lady bugs are everywhere! They are all dead on her window sill, it's kind of pretty. This song of his, "Honestly" is awesome...works well with the mood of this afternoon. I love the tones. For me, a song could be about doing your laundry and meeting a hooker, but as long as it's beautiful, I'm ok with that! I wonder if that's what Sigur Ros is really singing about on ( ). Icelandic hookers! I've got to go baby sit the Villoria Doll's with Giorey and someone else, I can't wait for these kids!!!!!! Oh man, I love em!!! Good thing that pizza filled me up or else these kids woulda been in trouble!!!! I love You, Jesus....

urban crop circle project

2006-02-16T13:04:00.000-05:00

urban crop circle project

I thought that this was a good one...#3 on the OnePoint Office Dare list was pretty good...

would you kill one child to save 100?

2006-02-16T11:52:00.000-05:00

It twas an interesting discussion today in bio lab. We got onto the topic of stem cell research, one that I'm not informed enough about, but I do know my stance. A girl was stating that they found that the blood from the umbilical cord may be used as stem cells, but she wasn't 100% sure on that. Our teacher looked up some stuff and sent us an e-mail after class, pointing us to this link: http://www.isscr.org/science/faq.htm I forwarded that e-mail to the homegroup, hopefully people will take it seriously and get informed. Sometimes I feel like my homegroup can be a bunch of complacent Christians, not all of them, but there are a few I feel like just don't care about social issues, in which we need to. I'm starting to see policy and politics a lot more like Jessica Moore, "I can't see how a Christian could be a Republican." Abortion is the same thing to God, He isn't partial and thus porn, cusing, drunkedness, murder and speeding are all the same thing to Him. Why would abortion justify going completley Republican? I dunno.

My grandmother has Parkinsons. She's got it real bad. Worse than you think. As soon as a new experimental drug comes out, she's on it like white on rice. And nothing is working, because now her body has built up such an immunity to the chemicals that they have to be in incredibly high doeses that are causing hallucinations. Not just a marage kind of thing, but people. She's had a few latley: 1) That there are two little black boys running around their tiny apparment all day long and they she gets upset with my grandpa because she thinks he's not doing anything about it. 2) That there was a party that Jack (my grandpa) threw in the appartment, we're talking about 25-30 people all in formal attire, and she was super embarassed because she was caught wearing her night gowns, so she broke down in tears again. How do you hallucinate 30 people in your 700 sq. ft. appartment? and 3) that Jack was having an affair with a 15 year old girl in the appartment. This is crazy, she is crazy.

She's lost it, her mind is almost completely gone, but her body is doing fine. This disease is no where killing her, she's fine physically, but you look at her and you would think that she has gone completely psychotic. This is the line where I draw closer to pro-euthanasia. And stem cell research. I almost don't want to go home to FTL so I don't have to deal with all of this, it's too painful to watch, but I know I need to, I know she needs to see her first grandchild for support. One of the last times I saw her, I could barely say " I love you and I'm praying for you" without choking on my tears. I can't handle this kind of stuff, not with the people I love, not without Christ.

So what do we do, us Christians? Do we let people suffer like this, tormented by something that's not of their own device, or do we do something about it? Honestly, what would Jesus do? I wish I knew. But I know what I would do. My grandmother never did anything do deserve this, and I'm not going to let her sit here and erode away while we sit here and debate on whether or not this is moral. What the crap is moral anyways now? Homosexual marriages are moral somehow. Whatever America. Abortion is always going to happen, same with homosexuality, same with any other sin. It's never going to go away in this life, so let's make the best of it. Our religious right isn't going to change anything, sorry, it's just not going to erradicate all of this filth that is in every pore of our country. God Himself is king, so what's to fear?

Stitches always breaking.

Shredder's dead.

2006-02-15T23:45:00.000-05:00

Damn it. He couldn't take it. He's gone. Nick's gone. Why did this have to happen like this? Intentional OD? Do people not understand the depth and consequences of the harsh words they speak? I don't know if it's ever been a more restless evil than now...poision is all he got in high school, even I was guilty at it at times. But there were those few, that just toyed him along, and I could see his hands grasping for someone to love him. I went to his parties, he bought us beer, he always wanted to go diving with us or do some kind of project together in class, but no one really wanted to associate with Shredder unless he could provide them with some kind of laugh at his expense. I hate the Keys. I never want to go back. The people there are evil, self-centered egocentric people that only care about their piece of property, whether or not to widen The Stretch to increase the economy, or how someone is violating their association's homeowners codes. I hate that place, it's full of evil. All except my church, and I'm sure some other churches as well, but looking back at high school, how everyone was so mean to him or gave him this false sense of association with the 'cool kids'. The human being can, at times, be a disgusting disgusting creature. How does this happen to such a sweet kid. I don't know where he is now. I could have helped change that.

Majesty!

2006-02-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

I've been singing 'Majesty' by Charlie Hall all day in my head, I love that song so much, gets to me where it counts. It's cool, I realized how God uses sin to His advantage (once again, nothing groudbreaking), but thinking of Saul of Tarsus and how he was the Jew of all Jews, even there when they killed Steven, and look at all what God did through him! And also looking at real life examples, where one of my pastors had premarital sex A LOT with his girlfriend before he became a Christian. Yeah, they got married and have kids, and now he's a pastor, but it just blows me away by how God chooses to use for His glory in mighty mighty ways. He totally rocks, through every single circumstance, you will ALWAYS find Him there, just look hard enough.

wow

2006-02-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

How did I think so short-sightedly? Honestly, I feel like a damn, ignorant fool. In this seeming act of evangelism/holiness I get shot down. Actually I feel like shit. I don't want to be this ignorant Bible-thumping, Jesus-proclaiming fanatic that doesn't care about peoples emotions. WTF was I thinking? AHH!!!! I need to study for these next two tests.

_______

2006-02-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

People are ungrateful. Old news. My leg won't stop shaking, it's habitual. I know I need to stop, but I can't. I can't clear it out. It's going to be a busy 3 hours coming up...finish tonights teaching, valentines stuff for the girls, and studying for 2 tests tomorrow. Stupid school....

Did you order...?

2006-02-14T14:11:00.000-05:00

I think it's fear, that's what the root of all of this is. Whatever. I've been addicted to Charlie Hall as of late. Rusty had the Passion CD from last years conference, and I put it on the iPod and 'Majesty' and "Marvelous Light' have been echoing in my head all day!!! It's so freeing, so releasing to know that we serve a might God!!!!! I love Him so much, and I never want to leave His courts. Tom is outside preaching right now, and the same calloused, hardened hearts are there from last time, making the same argument over and over again. They are our Pharisees, they blashpeme the name of the Holy Spirit, an unforgivable sin, and turn their hearts agains all that is true, just and beautiful. I almost hate them. But I know it's not them, it's their stubborness, their innate retartedness to turn from God, we've all got it. Seeing people like them make me love my Savior more and more. Maybe that's selfish, ok. But I konw that my God is alive, living, and loves me, and I will spend eternity with Him in constant communion. Once again, Isaiah 6 is the story of my life. Always and forever.

CRAP!

2006-02-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

Dang it, late for work again!!!! I went to bed about midnight, with my alarm set for 5:30, you know, do that whole Christian thing Jesus-style. I don't really remember falling asleep, i just remember waking up to the sound of the bus driving by, and the first words coming out of my mouth "CRAAAPP!!!!". It was 7:10am, I had to be at work negative 10 minuets ago. When you're >10 min. late to work, thats a major violation, 3 majors and they review you. So, yeah, that was my third. CRAAAAP!!!! Oh well. I got ready extrememly fast...extremely, and I was just asking God to teach me what I'm supposed to learn out of this situation. For a while I was thinking He doesn't want me to have this job, but I need this job to be a church-planter. Well, that's a very narrowminded statement to make. He can provide in other ways, but this was the first and best opprotunity at the time. Plus I didn't feel convicted about not doing it, and was at peace about the idea.

There was frost on the ground this morning! It was so cool! The AC units downstairs had frost all over them as well. I was pretty dang exicted.

So I'm not really sure why God made me late (did He at all? I dunno...) or why He let me be late. I'm a good employee, my boss said so, it's just that I'm so dang busy ALL the time. I worked from 12:30 - 9:30 AM monday morning (YEAH FOR OVERNIGHTS!) then slept for about an hour that afternoon, had a horrible day, then went to bed way too late then woke up way too early, my body didn't like that. People say that I'm going to kill myself, but I HAVE to work these hours, I need to get stuff paid for, especially if I want to be a church planter.

I'm really frustrated that I have little time to spend with my lost buddies. I've met some really cool guys at the rock gym and I've got no extra time to spend with them except the time I set aside for working out. And if I don't work out, my head is going to pop. I ran about a mile yesterday at the gym, incline, and it felt great! Clears out my head a lot, I love it. I just really wish I had more time to go the rock gym and hang out there more. Sarah Luk gives me a bunch of crap about never going, ugh!!!! The Kyles, Eric, and all the other regulars that are always there are some of the coolest people ever. Alan can testify to that. I can't wait for this summer, I'm going to try to spend a lot of my time at the rock gym there so I can do this all over again, meet people and influence them for Christ.

I guess at times I feel like I'm not effective at this whole Great Comission thing. In a sense, the GC doesn't really involve homegroups and raising up leaders, but it does in another sense. I want to win 1 person to Christ this year, that's a thing between God and I. I know it can/will happen, but it's so hard when I don't have any time to plant seeds. My overnight coworker, Michael, is pretty cool, and we talked about Budhism for most of the shfit, cause he's taking a class on it. It was great just to talk about religions, which he's pretty interested in. So hopefully in a few weeks or so, we can segway our conversation into the Gospel. He said he's read a few of the Gospels, but nothing else. We'll see where God leads it. And I need to find my balance of ministry and evangelism. I barely have time to see Tom Short today! I could cry right now.

All these Broken Bottles.

I lost my Bible! It's somewhere in my house, I just have to look for it. Ugh!!! 1 more hour, then off to chem homework and Bible Doctrine. I love our Tuesday meetings, I'm always learning so much! It's hard to have time to read the chapters, but it's worth it. Just told Matt Gordon that I can't do the Romans study this semester, which I was REALLY looking forward to. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I need to get on a regular schedule with my QT's, but it's soo hard with my schedule. If you saw it, you might puke. Just don't do it on your keyboard, it's harder to clean than your pants or carpet. But it's ok. That's a massive thing I've been learning, being ok with the fact that if I don't do a quiet time, it's not the end of the world. Amber blatantly pointed it out yesterday when we were talking. It's my justification. Somehow I've, and I know I'm not the only one, turned my quiet times into a form of justification for my relationship with God. I'm free, Jesus paid for it all, so why do I treat my time with God as a have to? And why do I feel condemned if I don't get it done? Easy. Satan want's us to believe that, he wants us to think that we are less of a Christian if we don't read our Bibles. I had half a mind to not even pick up my Bible for the next few days until I could treat that time as something special, as a have-to. But that probably wouldn't be the smartest move. So I go back to the whole circumspect thing. If I get into that situation, where I didn't read or journal, I need to look around at my life, asking myself in a very Alan Moore-esque tone of voice, "OK, does my world come crashing down because I haven't opened up The Good Book? Does my leadership fail if I missed one? No, that's a dumb (thanks Stacy) way to think. Does God still love me? Of course. He loved me before I loved Him, so why wouldn't He love me now?"

Cheap wine and sleeping pills.

That's what I hate about the Pentecostals/First Assembly thang. I HATE it. You honestly think that if you aren't actively seeking out God when He returns or we die, that your going south for eternity? Hell no! (no pun intended!) I hate that...and a lot of my friends that are Christians in FYCS are First Assembly people. They are amazing people, I just hate how they think that God turns His back on them if things aren't hunky dory. That's effn Mormonism!!!!!!!!!!! I walked to work today and I passed the LDS building by Norman. I look at it and see how there's absolutley no life in it at all. Even Carelton has more life in it, and it's not even a 'church' but its more of a church than any building I've ever been to (take that Joel Osteen).

Lexy was talking to me one day about eccumenicalism, ranting and raving about it. And he got me worked up to. How can we justify building these massive Six Flags Over Jesus buildings, all in the name of God, when we have bigger problems. People will find churches. There's never a lack of churches. Ugh, I'm not going to go into this, my fingers hurt from typing this. Just love Jesus, OK? It's damn easy. In the words of my mold-shattering roommate, "We've got grace, we can do whatever the fuck we want." Oh, I love him...and so does Jesus. Go in peace my brothers....