Resilience.

John Piper just posted this link on Twitter. Watch it first, then finish reading this post.

The technology was there. The technology was accurate. It was Trisomy 18, a genetic disorder I didn't even know existed. From what it looks like, Trisomy 18 causes cleft and bilateral pallets, incomplete heart and brain development and I'd imagine some kind of spinal abnormalities. No one survives this. Utterly fatal. Yet with all the information, all the knowledge, all the assuredness that these signs on the ultrasound really meant Trisomy 18, the parents courageously determined to see their son through delivery. And they did, as he was born with abnormalities and deficiencies which marred his face and body, yet somehow still retained the preciousness and beauty which can only be seen in an infant. He was their son. He was one of them. He was Thomas.

My mind is fully incapable of understanding the insurmountable pain this mother and father experienced in five short days. To watch their son gasp and gulp for oxygen, turn blue, think that Thomas was gone yet have him bounce back for a few more hours of life must have been torture. Four times, FOUR TIMES they were sure he had gone home to be with the Lord, yet with a hickup he was back gasping for more.

Then it was time. Resting on his sleeping father's chest, Thomas' heart succumbed to the twisted, tangled genetic code inside his every cell. They awoke to an empty vessel. His suffering had ceased.

The heart can tolerate degrees of pain unknown to the common man. By God's empowering grace, expecting parents can go to the funeral home to pick out a child's coffin who hasn't even been born yet. Financial decisions had to be made, knowing full well that their child just isn't going to make it. What that must have felt like I may never know. All I know is that some how, some way, God was glorified through all of this. His methods of glory are far too beyond our concepts and constructs. I think that is good.

This kid

After meandering around Home Depot trying to find velcro without the adhesive backing (a one hour ordeal), I walked out to my car and a late twenty-something dad pulled up next to my car. He unbuckles his eighteen to twenty-four month old son from the backseat and holds him in his arms. This kid got my attention from the second I saw him. Whispy locks and brown eyes so deep you could sink. I stuck my tongue out at him and he gives me this look with such inquisitiveness, his two year old eyebrows furrowed. As his dad carries his son into the store, with his tiny head bobbling up and down behind his father's shoulder and arm around his neck, I make a more exaggerated silly face with my eyes crossed. He lights up, a smile as wide as the sea, such joy and life in this kids face. I began to chuckle heartily, started my car and drove off. His joy became contagious as my cheeks tired, amazed at the wonder and mystery of children.

What is it about them that brings such laughter and satisfaction? Is it their innocence or ignorance of what surrounds them? I don't know, nor do I need to know. I am content with the experience itself, nothing more. What a task to describe the rich joy of a child's smile, how much more if they are your own? Perhaps He'll allow me to experience it for myself, one day.

yikes!

it's not that i don't have novel thoughts or ideas, i just that, well, whatever. there's no obligation here, perhaps some nonverbal expectations i have/had as to the frequency of my blogging.

things are so different now. things are not the way i thought they would be, from the inside that is, not the outward appearance. my heart stirs in different ways, ways i'm not accustomed to. after moving back to florida, i feel i've lost something or perhaps not lost but rather i'm struggling to find what it is i'm looking for in my new context. this new context is eye-opening, to say the least. few things challenge and reveal your convictions as when you are alone, out in the wilderness where, for all intensive purposes, you are free to do whatever you wish. withdrawn from the community that stirs my heart, that surges with such thick love, i find myself waning and realizing i'm not the spiritual giant i once thought. i could throw prepositional excuses validating whatever state you want to call this, but it's merely futile and profits nothing.

where are my commitments?
where are my convictions?
do i really believe the Great Commission?
do i rest on laurels or count all as loss?

amidst all of this, i see a vision resurfacing, a dream drawing the puzzle pieces to itself. i see a way of life which forces all other options to peel off of the corridor of possibilities. constantly surrounded by wealth, glamour and must-haves, these that surround me swing at the air, beating their chests. i don't need a life strapped with money for it leaves its followers with hearts as cold and hard as the cash itself. somewhere along the line i bought into the lie, that i would find purpose, value and comfort if i only had money. perhaps He allowed me to be unemployed for the past few months to allow these issues to rise to the surface, the dross of this Process.

there is a lot i'm trying to say in so few words, yet i'm finding it incredibly hard to form some of these thoughts right now. there are changes i want to see in my heart, in my mind, some which are seemingly contradictory or paradoxical. i want to be more unsure about things while knowing what i know all the more a divine dance between Mystery and Truth. i want to be less overt yet louder still. i want to grasp love and hate in healthy doses, understanding their delicate balance. i eagerly look forward to the changes ahead and the struggles within.