I'm just not happy anymore. I'm not who I used to be.
At least who I was told I was.
That sounds wrong and unhealthy, but it's not what I meant and I know what I mean. It's just that I've caught myself, over the past weeks, not smiling at all. What is this? Why am I not happy? I have had the most joyous miracle in the universe unraveling in my soul for the past eight years, what is there not to be happy about? I'm alive in Christ for crying out lout! AHH! This just pisses me off that I'm like this.
And all of a sudden this blog sounds like me from freshman year.
And all of a sudden this life sounds like me from freshman year.
The old sins, old habits, are coming back. Old mannerism of unrighteousness.
"This is not me, this is something acting on this body."
There is a Way Of The Master conference I'm attending in Americus, GA with some brothers from other ministries here at UF as well as Samuel from GCL. We are going to plant churches together, I know it. I need God to use this conference, I need Him to do something here because He's the only one that knows what's wrong, the only one who truly knows how completely jacked up I am. It's times like these that I'm so glad that I'm single. Despite the unhappiness, the prospectus of this quarter looks incredible.
This life is cinematic. At least it needs to be.
God, I just want to live this life, I want to lose myself, for You. You've done everything for me, and it seems like this is a two-way street. Help me to get over these selfish fears of preaching, help me to be bold, be a man and do the Right thing. I'm such a boy in my fears, was Noah like this? Was Moses when he saw the multitude of blood thirsty Egyptians hurdling at them on the shore of the Red Sea? It's funny how the most primitive of emotions can be the most destructive at times.
Tuesday, March 27
Thursday, March 8
enough
that's it. i've had enough of the Bible.
what i'm saying is that i'm sick and tired of feeling obligated to catch up in my 'bible-in-a-year' plan. don't get me wrong, i think they are great tools for people to get some discipline in their life. but for me and another one of the guys in my life, it's not working out. technically, i'm still on the readings for february 22nd, and i feel like i can't get in the Word if i'm not going to make an effort to catch up, and i think that's wrong. so i'm going to start in I Kings and read, hopefully every day. there is just something different about not having a schedule, and i'm no less of a christian if i'm not reading the Bible in a year. yeah, it's good, but it's getting too legalistic for me. my God is a person, a relationship, not a formula.
what i'm saying is that i'm sick and tired of feeling obligated to catch up in my 'bible-in-a-year' plan. don't get me wrong, i think they are great tools for people to get some discipline in their life. but for me and another one of the guys in my life, it's not working out. technically, i'm still on the readings for february 22nd, and i feel like i can't get in the Word if i'm not going to make an effort to catch up, and i think that's wrong. so i'm going to start in I Kings and read, hopefully every day. there is just something different about not having a schedule, and i'm no less of a christian if i'm not reading the Bible in a year. yeah, it's good, but it's getting too legalistic for me. my God is a person, a relationship, not a formula.
Thursday, March 1
still once more
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ - Romans 5:1
in light of the previous post, things are definitely changing. almost as soon as i had published that post, i brought up the issue with two of my roommates whom i am very close with and they prayed for me on the spot. didn't feel much different after that nor did my conscious change so i took one last step before i feel asleep.
Corresponding to that, baptism now saves you--not the removal of dirt from the flesh, but an appeal to God for a good conscience--through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who is at the right hand of God, having gone into heaven, after angels and authorities and powers had been subjected to Him. - 1 Peter 3:21,22
i took this verse for real, a verse that came up in teaching prep the other day, and rebuked any spirits of satan in my room out loud in the name of Christ. when i woke up the next morning, i felt so refreshed and encouraged and excited about the Lord it was amazing! later on that day, in my youth development class, we began a discussion on moral acquisition and the classic "there is no absolute truth" statements came out and no one was making any stance for absolute truth, i had to say something!
plus i was wearing a christian t-shirt.
i spoke up, told it how it is, how the Law is written on each of our hearts (should have brought up Romans 1:18, arg!) and said what needed to be said. of course everyone, about forty or so, was against me, verbally, but i did get a pat on the back as we were walking out from a girl that sits behind me. that was encouraging.
i dove into some more richard dawkins today, watched the whole series. it makes me so sad that this man has completely, utterly hardened his heart. as my brother chris has said, "science is his god, he just can't see it" which i completely agree with. but i want to be more and more prepared to defend the faith and i've found a good article on the Resurrection of my good Friend. sometimes i honestly wonder if this is all a deluge, if spirituality is all something humans have contrived in their heads. but i always remember what my mum has said:
i rather live my life as if there was a god and find out there isn't than to live my life as if there wasn't a god and find out there is.
in light of the previous post, things are definitely changing. almost as soon as i had published that post, i brought up the issue with two of my roommates whom i am very close with and they prayed for me on the spot. didn't feel much different after that nor did my conscious change so i took one last step before i feel asleep.
Corresponding to that, baptism now saves you--not the removal of dirt from the flesh, but an appeal to God for a good conscience--through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who is at the right hand of God, having gone into heaven, after angels and authorities and powers had been subjected to Him. - 1 Peter 3:21,22
i took this verse for real, a verse that came up in teaching prep the other day, and rebuked any spirits of satan in my room out loud in the name of Christ. when i woke up the next morning, i felt so refreshed and encouraged and excited about the Lord it was amazing! later on that day, in my youth development class, we began a discussion on moral acquisition and the classic "there is no absolute truth" statements came out and no one was making any stance for absolute truth, i had to say something!
plus i was wearing a christian t-shirt.
i spoke up, told it how it is, how the Law is written on each of our hearts (should have brought up Romans 1:18, arg!) and said what needed to be said. of course everyone, about forty or so, was against me, verbally, but i did get a pat on the back as we were walking out from a girl that sits behind me. that was encouraging.
i dove into some more richard dawkins today, watched the whole series. it makes me so sad that this man has completely, utterly hardened his heart. as my brother chris has said, "science is his god, he just can't see it" which i completely agree with. but i want to be more and more prepared to defend the faith and i've found a good article on the Resurrection of my good Friend. sometimes i honestly wonder if this is all a deluge, if spirituality is all something humans have contrived in their heads. but i always remember what my mum has said:
i rather live my life as if there was a god and find out there isn't than to live my life as if there wasn't a god and find out there is.
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