charcoal soul

I'm just not happy anymore. I'm not who I used to be.

At least who I was told I was.

That sounds wrong and unhealthy, but it's not what I meant and I know what I mean. It's just that I've caught myself, over the past weeks, not smiling at all. What is this? Why am I not happy? I have had the most joyous miracle in the universe unraveling in my soul for the past eight years, what is there not to be happy about? I'm alive in Christ for crying out lout! AHH! This just pisses me off that I'm like this.

And all of a sudden this blog sounds like me from freshman year.

And all of a sudden this life sounds like me from freshman year.

The old sins, old habits, are coming back. Old mannerism of unrighteousness.

"This is not me, this is something acting on this body."


There is a Way Of The Master conference I'm attending in Americus, GA with some brothers from other ministries here at UF as well as Samuel from GCL. We are going to plant churches together, I know it. I need God to use this conference, I need Him to do something here because He's the only one that knows what's wrong, the only one who truly knows how completely jacked up I am. It's times like these that I'm so glad that I'm single. Despite the unhappiness, the prospectus of this quarter looks incredible.


This life is cinematic. At least it needs to be.

God, I just want to live this life, I want to lose myself, for You. You've done everything for me, and it seems like this is a two-way street. Help me to get over these selfish fears of preaching, help me to be bold, be a man and do the Right thing. I'm such a boy in my fears, was Noah like this? Was Moses when he saw the multitude of blood thirsty Egyptians hurdling at them on the shore of the Red Sea? It's funny how the most primitive of emotions can be the most destructive at times.