sorry!

Haven't updated this in a while, the Holy Spirit hasn't really convicted me to do so! Haha...oh man. This semester has been crazy awesome, a little bit of pain, but the Lord's power is made perfect in weakness! Support raising takes up a lot of my time, but I love it so much! The Lord is doing great things through this church and this movement, and people need to hear about it! I could raise support for the rest of my life!!! Now I really don't see anything holding me back from being on staff for the rest of my life. The only hard part about support raising is having to ask donors for names of others that woudl be interested and talking to them. I did my first one of those calls just now, but it flowed great! If there is 1 degree of separation, you always have something to talk about, the middle person!!! Overall, this has been an incredible experience, especially when we get to talk to the other interns via e-mail and encourage them. One girl I met, Sarah Campbell, rocked my face off, still does, and we keep encouraging each other, she has such a heart of a warrior! These interns across the country are incredible, I love them so much and I've known them for such a short period of time. Back to making calls!

I think it's pretty dang cool how God answers prayers. I've been seeking His face for a while on this topic, and I realized that he has been answering it without me even knowing it! He's just so dang cool. Also the other day, I was walking back from class, and this joy just flooded my mind! All I could think of is how freakin blessed we are knowing Him and the Truth!!!

This came as a result of listening to the Turlington preachers yesterday, in which God totally changed my heart towards them! You may know the guys I'm talking about, they hold the gigantic signs that condemn people to Hell. I used to judge them, rebuke them in my head and heart, sometimes verbally, I was embarassed that I was associated by faith with them. But I listened to them yesterday, really listened to them, and God worked on my heart! I saw that they weren't arrogant or full of hate and condemnation, but that they loved people, and they were preaching the Gospel!

If we preach a Jesus that is all love, the feminate Jesus that I hate, people don't take it seriously and I think it belittles the power that we hope in. You need to preach love, as well as God's justness, which is an extension of His love that people can't grasp. I don't care if people got pissed off, mostly because they didn't give these two men any of their time. They passed a judgement in their heads that these two were arrogant pricks up on their Christian soapboxes, when in reality these are broken men with broken lives, living a life made holy through the power of Jesus Christ! Jeremiah, the bigger guy, pulled out a pack of Marlboro's, sat on the ground and starting talking about how his divorce was his worst mistake ever. You could see he was still hurting inside, Lord knows how many years ago it was. These guys rock, and the next time you walk past them in Turlington, don't just judge them as some fundamentalist freaks, but give them 10 min of your time. They're fufiling Matthew 28, just in a way that may rub you the wrong way. It's better than doing a Bible study at a bar, that's for sure.

stupid me!

What an amazing spring break this has been! The Lord has definitely blessed the time spent back home in they Keys, and then my dad and I had several awesome conversations about God, deviance of Biblical manhood & womanhood in America, dating methodology, and his desire to get back into church! The Lord is moving on his heart, he's finally starting to answer our prayers! Today's sermon at Calvary Sawgrass was about simplicity, more specifically the simplicity of our relationship with Christ. So, as the common trend with me, I kicked the tires, lit the fires and headed down to Introspectionville.

God showed me that I try to be way too intellectual with Him. Peter is one of my best friends, Peter is also one of the smartest people I know, and we have intellectual conversations about God and junk all of the time, and maybe now it’s starting to rub off into my relationship with Him. I am David Lindeman, a man who loves Christ with his whole heart, and wants to serve Him. I’m not necessarily the smartest person ever or the sharpest tool in the shed, but since my friendship with Peter has deepened, I've somehow picked up this desire to be on par with him in his intellectualness, which isn't what God is asking of me.

I don’t know a lot of verses, I don’t know Hebrew and Greek (despite the desire to change that), I'm not some revolutionary theologian, I'm me, and simply put, that's simply how it needs to be. God has really showed me that I am JUST like my father, in so many ways it literally freaks me out. I see it in my mannerisms, in my speech, in my haircut, but there is a huge flipside to it, our relationships with God, and that's enough to separate us as wide as the Red Sea.

So as I figure myself out more and more each day, in a phase of introversion for God knows how long, He, in His incredible patience, shows me that I am me, made exactly the way that He planned, and I really should have no desire to change that. If I wanted to, I can see that somehow conveying "Hey God, you don't know best, cause B is what I really need to be, and A just isn't cutting it anymore for me." I used to have that attitude, maybe it's still there, but it's incredibly important for us to solidify our identity on our own in Christ, or we become this chameleon that people can’t trust.

the socks are off!

     Crazy Ft. Lauderdale, I’ll never understand you. Beautiful women, good sushi, ungodly huge mansions, and a lot of gay guys, especially at Boarder’s. I’m not homophobic by any means, I just gets to me when they look at you, well, me. You do your thing, just don’t involve me in it. I’m not condoning it by any means, it’s defiantly wrong and un-Biblical, but there are things in life that people just won’t budge on, and we have to accept that. God Himself is king, He’s going to take care of it all with one word: smite. That can be a scary word, just really glad that I’m on His side of the fence. This week has been absolutely incredible, I really don’t know where to begin! Ever since Kevin & I left the youth group two years ago, I was worried that it was all going to fall apart cause we were the upper classmen, the role models, the kids needed us right? Right? No, not really. It was just a prideful thought of mine that I was really that important to what was going on there. They are doing fine, just a few bumps in the road like everyone else, as I sit back in humility. God is freaking awesome, He began a mighty work in me there at that church in the Keys, and I’m incredibly thankful for that because now I have such a strong base to fall back on hopefully for support with full time ministry after graduation. Pastor Charles and I talked a lot about the pro’s and con’s of seminary when I was down there at their house, and it’s defiantly growing stronger on my heart. I really don’t know what’s going to happen in the next two years, but for me to be all that I want to be for Him, seminary is a wise step in that direction. Yeah, it’s not Biblical per se, it’s just a spring board for academia, something that doesn’t always rock my world.
     The past few days with my dad have been absolutely incredible, I can see the Lord working on his heart more and more. We’ve had quite a few conversations that have been very open about spirituality, dating, church, all that junk, and it seems like he wants to get back into church, hopefully for the last time! God has done mightier things, this isn’t a mountain for Him. Plus what I’ve got is probably smaller than a mustard seed anyways. He dances all around, without ever making a sound.

God or us?

Should we Christians be living out our lives like the shephard in the parable of 99 sheep? Should we give up and walk away from all that we have to reach out to that one that's lost? There comes a point when love and wisdom say their goodbye's, and to leave everything to pick that 1 back up wouldn't be the wisest thing to do, but Jesus did it, so why shouldn't we? Thank you Mrs. Brishke.

I sat by the ocean today, on my bench at the homeowners park.
sat.
breathed.
gazed.
breathed again.
pondered.
puzzled.
breathed.
prayed.
cried.
And I cried again. I just broke down in tears thanking God for what He has done with me, how He used this church, First Baptist Key Largo, to get me off on the right foot. I can't stop thanking Him. Right now I'm talking to Katie Regelmann about how growing up involves letting go of some friendships. I'm trying to find the balance of how many to let go of? There are a few that I don't ever want to give up: Monte, Janet, the Regelmann girls (especially after today's talk with Jenna), and Tessie. Something tells me not to give up, something tells me this isn't over yet. As soon as classes are over with, I'm coming back down again. I'd be a fool to go another 2 years, I love these people too much to let that happen again.

reignited.

You can't leave the ones you love fade out of your life. If you do, you are a fool. I've been a fool for the past two years. I'm done with being a fool. So here I am, Sufjan Stevens in my ears, convictions in my heart. I pray that I can stick to them, cause if I don't, what does that make me? I love you Monte Zerbe, I can't say it enough, I could never say it enough.

3-11-06 @ 12:13 AM @ The Rosenbalms house

Today I drove down to my hometown of the keys today. This was the first time in 2 years. As I drove south on US1, looking out past the green and brown colors of the mangroves, tears fell from my eyes as I thought of how this was the place that the Lord started to do His work in me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for what He has done for me so far. As I kept driving a bit farther, I saw smoke ahead, not really thinking anything of it. As I get closer, I see a car that has spun off of the road into the mangroves and was completely engulfed in roaring flames. Pulled over to make sure everyone was out of the car and everything was ok, it was a relief that no one was hurt. When I finally got into Key Largo, a weird flood of emotions came over me, which I am still trying to dig through. Part nostalgia, part loneliness, part joy, all of these thoughts and memories of the 4 years I spent here rushed through my conscience. Home is so relaxing, and I never thought I would have missed this place as much as I do. Went straight to the Rosenbalms, chatted for a while, then off to PJ’s to see him and Kevin, up to Kevin’s to see his parents, back to PJ’s to catch up with his mom, then back do the Rosenbalms to have dinner, then down to the Drebenstedts to see Sarah, who is growing up so much! I wish I had words for what I am feeling, but God knows exactly what I mean so it’s ok. Life flashes before your eyes, and I plopped on Mrs. Brishke’s couch like the 2 years was a vapor. Some of it feels like a vapor, other a stone, not moving. I need to get to bed. Maybe I can figure this out for later.

countdown

This weekend is so bittersweet. I'm going home for the first time in 2 years to the Keys this weekend, and I can't wait to see everyone. I'm going to be staying at my pastors house, we have a lot of catching up to do. It's going to be incredible, but tomorrow is the last time I will see Amber for a long long time. She's going, fufiling my life verse, Isaiah 6, and I'm so proud of her. We can relate on such an amazing level, I love it, I love her, and I'm going to miss her. We all are. There are a few of us that are scrounging to spend the last few minuets she has here with her, so I've got 10:30-11:30 tomorrow. I still haven't even packed yet for home! Plus Matt Gordon wants to get together tomorrow and pray before I head home. Dang, it's busy, but all for the glory of God right? I can't wait for this summer, I can't wait to hang out with everyone (you if your going!!), and I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to use us to do His work. I can't wait to see the harvest that is waiting for us, I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to grow me personally to the man and leader that He want's me to be, as well as everyone else. I'm on the same page with Brandon Shore when I say that one of the most exciting things about college is watching people grow up and grow out of their old shells. The Lord is incredible, even though He isn't safe or easy, He sure is good, very very good. I will follow Him till the ends of the earth, even if it's not Iceland. I'll write more on that later, but it's an hour past my bedtime! Peace out yo.

wtf mates?

Im still trying to figure this out!

Now I want to go to Japan!

brain blood mesh filter?

OK, just had this thought, which is an important one for me. I'm at work, and I'm listening to my favorite Charlie Hall song, "Your Glory Endures Forever". It's really hard for me to describe this block that I have, this wall that is in my heart. I have yet to sucessfully describe it to someone, no matter how hard I try. There is something in my heart, or maybe my spirit, that is stopping from experiencing the full joy of Christ. No, I don't mean my sin/being here on Earth and not in Heaven, but there is something that is stopping me from living my life out Psalm 111 style. I try to praise God will all that I have, and I feel that I fall short or that something (Satan?) is stopping me. If you know me, you know that whether or not the iPod is on, I always have a song in my head...it's just the way God made me. Lately, that song has been Desperation Band's "Amazed", and I keep singing the chorus over and over again in my heart and head all day long. This is what I just realized: That when I sing that song from my heart, with no song or worship leader in front of me, that is when I feel like I am fufilling Psalm 111:1. So it seems to me that "Your Glory Endures Forever" is dampened from the time it leaves the speaker cones on the headphones to when it goes through my ears and into my head, like somehow Satan is stopping it from meaning more to me than it possibly can.

Satan knows what is going to happen, he knows that he is going to lose and there is no gain for him in all that he does. So I wonder if he knows God's plans for our lives and he is trying to stop those. If he knows that I want to be a pastor of a church, it makes sense that he would try to slow me down, drag his heels into my life plans. This feeling of the wall (i call it 'The Vague') isn't anything new, it's been here for almost 1 year. I first got it when I was driving in Ft. Lauderdale the week before Summer A started, and I freaked (froked?) out. But the Lord, in His amazing patience, has helped me deal with that feeling, as it ebbs and flows in my life. It swells up when I'm about to start support raising for the day, but if I get busy and don't slow down to think about it, I can overcome it.

So this is all starting to make sense, that Satan could be putting this damper on my heart, which affects all areas of my life: my time with God, my leadership in the church, my relationships with my family and friends, with my finances, with the desire to work out, everything. But I can work through it now, the Lord has definately helepd me be strong enough to survive with this on my back. I'm flying with an elephant on my back, but somehow now it feels as light as a feather. Must be the weather, in December, like a genner. Is genner a real word? It does for the sake of rhyming. 2...4...6...8...12...no BAKERS DOZEN!!!!!!!!!!

no!!!!!

Ah, crap. Cartel is coming to Jax tonight, and I know a lot of the guys want to go see them, I'm dying to see them. But I know that I need to get a lot of letters done tonight. CRAP! Oh well...it's all for the best. I also don't get to go on our Spring Break trip. I'm going to go home and get a lot of support raising done so I can get ahead a bit, I need to utilize all the time I have to get with people and get letters out. I'm finally going to be able to get down to Key Largo for the first time in almost 2 years! I want to jump off of the Ch. 2 bridge so bad!!! Hopefully the Lord will really honor this time down there and make it incredibly fruitful!!! It'll be good to see my parents as well. I really wanted to go up to Wilmington and meet some peeps up there, arg!!! But this is necessary for me to do what I need to do this summer, so I guess it's ok. I'm just frustrated that I can't go on the trip that I got to plan, and was so excited about going up there to serve. Man, it'd be nice to see Cartel & Copeland tonight...

milano

I really have nothing to write in here. It's funny how right people can be, sometimes they know it, other times they don't. Peter, Mark, Alan, a lot of guys in my life don't really realize it. I really have nothing to write in this dead air space.

yikes

This is rough. Support raising is coming along, but Satan is hard, HARD, on my face...He's putting a lot of lies in my head, and I have to fight them off. All day I've been attacked, I just want to get to bed. Got a few more letters out, still chugging away. I can't go on our missions trip now, Matt Gordon thinks it would be wiser for Sam and I to stay and go home over the week. I need to get home anyways, and I want to spend 2 days fasting and camping...getting my head on straight and my heart rejuvinated. The outdoors is the shadow of the Lord's wing for me, it's where I get my strength, it's where I find out who I am. Disconnecting yourself from society every once in a while is incredible, absolutley incredible. Screw the cellphone, iPod, debit card, just you, a journal, Bible, and the greatest friend ever. I need spring break to get here fast.