we leave for poland in a little over a week. i'm scared.
for the past week, i've been slipping into something not of me, something darker.
i wouldn't call it backsliding in my faith though.
something is holding me down, something is upon me and i don't know if it's me or if it's a demon.
reading my Bible is straight up boring, and i know that's an inappropriate attitude and it needs to be fixed.
there's no point in blogging anymore now, i need to go to bed. i don't care about much, and i might say something stupid. it's happened before.
pray for me.
Tuesday, February 27
Tuesday, February 20
when i grow up
what do i want to be? there seems to be so many things popping up in my life, desires of what i would do whether or not i had Christ, regardless of how i am sewn together. some of these are realistic, others, not so much. please don't get me wrong, having Christ is the only thing i truly desire in this life, but lately i've been having these thoughts of what if and here they are to clear my head:
a new york city bicycle messenger (this is a huge, quasi-realistic one)
a tour manager for a recording artist (sigur ros, hello?)
a recording engineer
a monk
amish
an icelandic missionary
celibate
a cross-country runner
a father of gordon-proportions (gordon=epic)
a naval aviator
an mdiv student
a pastor
an effective teacher of the Word
who knows what's going to happen? I AM does, and that's just so dang cool, in a completely chill, 'sippin on cafe bustelo, listening to sigur ros under stars on the roof in a big city' kind of way. you know...
a new york city bicycle messenger (this is a huge, quasi-realistic one)
a tour manager for a recording artist (sigur ros, hello?)
a recording engineer
a monk
amish
an icelandic missionary
celibate
a cross-country runner
a father of gordon-proportions (gordon=epic)
a naval aviator
an mdiv student
a pastor
an effective teacher of the Word
who knows what's going to happen? I AM does, and that's just so dang cool, in a completely chill, 'sippin on cafe bustelo, listening to sigur ros under stars on the roof in a big city' kind of way. you know...
Sunday, February 18
oh the grace!
how great is His love!
blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when i was in a besieged city.
psalm 31:21
in this besieged city of my heart, the vast darkness, his steadfast love will never leave, no matter how strong the opposition, how fierce the rain. thank you so much, Jesus, for grabbing my hand as i slide off of this mountain face! oh, how good you are, how could i ever tell you how much i love you? you are too good, too close, too pure for me to ever do you injustice by my lacking vocabulary. even as i betray you for thirty pieces of silver, you still call me friend. how can you? why would you? you have no reason to, but you do every morning when the sun spills into my eyelids.
you call me friend.
you call me friend.
blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when i was in a besieged city.
psalm 31:21
in this besieged city of my heart, the vast darkness, his steadfast love will never leave, no matter how strong the opposition, how fierce the rain. thank you so much, Jesus, for grabbing my hand as i slide off of this mountain face! oh, how good you are, how could i ever tell you how much i love you? you are too good, too close, too pure for me to ever do you injustice by my lacking vocabulary. even as i betray you for thirty pieces of silver, you still call me friend. how can you? why would you? you have no reason to, but you do every morning when the sun spills into my eyelids.
you call me friend.
you call me friend.
Wednesday, February 14
more future thoughts
from my urban development textbook:
Indications that city residents are actually happier and better adjusted than their rural counterparts (Fischer, 1973)
question: is happiness relative? for us as Christians, what does this mean if this is true? expansion to come...
Indications that city residents are actually happier and better adjusted than their rural counterparts (Fischer, 1973)
question: is happiness relative? for us as Christians, what does this mean if this is true? expansion to come...
Friday, February 9
iTunes!
oh man, was a blessing the digital music revolution can be at times! in the iTunes essentials playlists, they had a 90's One Hit Wonder set and i lost it! len, the verve, shawn mullins, spindoctors, donna lewis! this is nuts! i am so excited! but it's time for bed, check out that playlist!
Thursday, February 8
idea 2
ok, i need to get this paper done, so i can't write anything now. but i do want to write on solo music acts, the church and unity and how we want to be on our own.
good, good, everythings going as planned....except for this paper!
good, good, everythings going as planned....except for this paper!
a promise
i'm in the norman circa lab, starting this four page literary analysis that is due tomorrow. well, at least the first draft is. in the midst of making something out of nothing, i started to think about my feet.
i like my feet.
as with most things with me, i want to do what is healthy for my body, including wearing proper footwear for the arch support that i need. from about half-way through my summer internship with gcm in tallahassee, i tossed my old sandals due to the malt vinegar/cold egg smell rising from them and i quickly set my eyes on a pair of rainbow's. they are all over campus, everyone has a pair, so i figure there must be something great about these sandals.
i made myself want them.
for christmas my grandparents gave me some money, enough to buy a pair, so i did when i got back to gainesville. and here i sit, a month or so later, looking at my sandals. the same sandals that everyone else has. and you know what?
i don't even care about them.
i don't. i mean, sure they are great to walk in and it's nice to be able to wear them in february, but at the end of the day, i just don't value them. and this is disappointing because my eyes and heart are so pathetic that i expected my soul to be satisfied by something as trivial and temporal as a pair of pop-shoewear. i actually, honestly expected myself to find some amount of redeption in an object that can't even compare to the flesh and blood that was spilt for me. i've tasted the Lord, i have seen His goodness in my life and in others, especially when it comes to raising support for missionary work, and yet, i believed in my heart that this would make me happy. oh the vicious cycle my flesh runs in!
and it makes sense.
it makes sense how we can spend nine billion dollars in one day because it's the best day of the year for sales and deals. it makes sense how americans can buy a new computer every two years because the old one has become 'obsolete' and they are somehow lacking in their value as an american citizen and consumer if they don't have the latest, shiny gadget. the iphone? hello, my heart yearned for that thing. YEARNED! what kind of man am i? reminds me of this verse i found last night:
'surely i was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me' -psalm 51:5
i've never been good, i've never wanted what was right or true or just on my own. oh Lord, how great is the work that You've done in me? i don't think i will ever know.
so i need to get back to this paper, because that glorifies God just as much as anything else. brothers and sisters, please please PLEASE do not let your flesh trick you into believing that the next shirt or the next hard drive or the next Vera Bradley bag will ever fill you, to the slightest extent. not like Christ, not like His grace, not like His blood.
oh simplicity, may i come implore thee?
i like my feet.
as with most things with me, i want to do what is healthy for my body, including wearing proper footwear for the arch support that i need. from about half-way through my summer internship with gcm in tallahassee, i tossed my old sandals due to the malt vinegar/cold egg smell rising from them and i quickly set my eyes on a pair of rainbow's. they are all over campus, everyone has a pair, so i figure there must be something great about these sandals.
i made myself want them.
for christmas my grandparents gave me some money, enough to buy a pair, so i did when i got back to gainesville. and here i sit, a month or so later, looking at my sandals. the same sandals that everyone else has. and you know what?
i don't even care about them.
i don't. i mean, sure they are great to walk in and it's nice to be able to wear them in february, but at the end of the day, i just don't value them. and this is disappointing because my eyes and heart are so pathetic that i expected my soul to be satisfied by something as trivial and temporal as a pair of pop-shoewear. i actually, honestly expected myself to find some amount of redeption in an object that can't even compare to the flesh and blood that was spilt for me. i've tasted the Lord, i have seen His goodness in my life and in others, especially when it comes to raising support for missionary work, and yet, i believed in my heart that this would make me happy. oh the vicious cycle my flesh runs in!
and it makes sense.
it makes sense how we can spend nine billion dollars in one day because it's the best day of the year for sales and deals. it makes sense how americans can buy a new computer every two years because the old one has become 'obsolete' and they are somehow lacking in their value as an american citizen and consumer if they don't have the latest, shiny gadget. the iphone? hello, my heart yearned for that thing. YEARNED! what kind of man am i? reminds me of this verse i found last night:
'surely i was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me' -psalm 51:5
i've never been good, i've never wanted what was right or true or just on my own. oh Lord, how great is the work that You've done in me? i don't think i will ever know.
so i need to get back to this paper, because that glorifies God just as much as anything else. brothers and sisters, please please PLEASE do not let your flesh trick you into believing that the next shirt or the next hard drive or the next Vera Bradley bag will ever fill you, to the slightest extent. not like Christ, not like His grace, not like His blood.
oh simplicity, may i come implore thee?
Tuesday, February 6
making deposits.
i find it funny that age isn't a boundary to or requisite for learning.
i want to learn the big things, but i want to learn the small things, the unnoticeable things.
i'm constantly learning things from the children i babysit in GCL, from 76-year-old women from my home church, and from my brothers on the wall with me here at UF. one brother in particular, Matt Kent, has made a huge impression on me lately, and i didn't even see this coming. last year, his freshman/my sophomore year, we got to know each other from dance parties and a slew of other events the church put on, but we never really clicked. we still haven't.
anyways, over this past summer, matt and a bunch of other gcl'ers went out to a summer leadership training program in colorado where they were challenged to memorize a list of 99 verses. only matt and one other guy took up the challenge. over this past fall semester, i could see a huge change in his character and spirit as he's continued to memorize more and more Scripture. this past week, i was incredibly convicted to start memorizing verses and i love it! it's the last thing i think of when i'm slipping into stillness, and it's the first thing on my mind when i wake up. i actually think i woke up to reciting Psalm 24:3-5!
who will ascend the hill of God?
who shall stand in his holy place?
he who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false, he who does not swear deceitfully. he will receive blessings from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
what an exhilarating way to wake up...i hope there are more like it. i don't have an exact plan right now except to memorize one a week from the verse of 99 and at least two verses that stick out to me in my daily readings. Lord, may i hide your Word in my heart that i might not sin against you.
follow the Spirit inside of you. follow the electrical storm.
i want to learn the big things, but i want to learn the small things, the unnoticeable things.
i'm constantly learning things from the children i babysit in GCL, from 76-year-old women from my home church, and from my brothers on the wall with me here at UF. one brother in particular, Matt Kent, has made a huge impression on me lately, and i didn't even see this coming. last year, his freshman/my sophomore year, we got to know each other from dance parties and a slew of other events the church put on, but we never really clicked. we still haven't.
anyways, over this past summer, matt and a bunch of other gcl'ers went out to a summer leadership training program in colorado where they were challenged to memorize a list of 99 verses. only matt and one other guy took up the challenge. over this past fall semester, i could see a huge change in his character and spirit as he's continued to memorize more and more Scripture. this past week, i was incredibly convicted to start memorizing verses and i love it! it's the last thing i think of when i'm slipping into stillness, and it's the first thing on my mind when i wake up. i actually think i woke up to reciting Psalm 24:3-5!
who will ascend the hill of God?
who shall stand in his holy place?
he who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false, he who does not swear deceitfully. he will receive blessings from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
what an exhilarating way to wake up...i hope there are more like it. i don't have an exact plan right now except to memorize one a week from the verse of 99 and at least two verses that stick out to me in my daily readings. Lord, may i hide your Word in my heart that i might not sin against you.
follow the Spirit inside of you. follow the electrical storm.
Monday, February 5
missions
Matt W says men aren't doing anything for Christ. In what ways is this visible? 13 girls and one guy in the Overseas Missions track, what does that say? I didn't do it because I'm already in LDP, commitment is already there. Is the percentage of men that are rising to leadership increasing or decreasing? In GCL or The Church? Thoughts to expand on later...
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