it's not that i don't have novel thoughts or ideas, i just that, well, whatever. there's no obligation here, perhaps some nonverbal expectations i have/had as to the frequency of my blogging.
things are so different now. things are not the way i thought they would be, from the inside that is, not the outward appearance. my heart stirs in different ways, ways i'm not accustomed to. after moving back to florida, i feel i've lost something or perhaps not lost but rather i'm struggling to find what it is i'm looking for in my new context. this new context is eye-opening, to say the least. few things challenge and reveal your convictions as when you are alone, out in the wilderness where, for all intensive purposes, you are free to do whatever you wish. withdrawn from the community that stirs my heart, that surges with such thick love, i find myself waning and realizing i'm not the spiritual giant i once thought. i could throw prepositional excuses validating whatever state you want to call this, but it's merely futile and profits nothing.
where are my commitments?
where are my convictions?
do i really believe the Great Commission?
do i rest on laurels or count all as loss?
amidst all of this, i see a vision resurfacing, a dream drawing the puzzle pieces to itself. i see a way of life which forces all other options to peel off of the corridor of possibilities. constantly surrounded by wealth, glamour and must-haves, these that surround me swing at the air, beating their chests. i don't need a life strapped with money for it leaves its followers with hearts as cold and hard as the cash itself. somewhere along the line i bought into the lie, that i would find purpose, value and comfort if i only had money. perhaps He allowed me to be unemployed for the past few months to allow these issues to rise to the surface, the dross of this Process.
there is a lot i'm trying to say in so few words, yet i'm finding it incredibly hard to form some of these thoughts right now. there are changes i want to see in my heart, in my mind, some which are seemingly contradictory or paradoxical. i want to be more unsure about things while knowing what i know all the more a divine dance between Mystery and Truth. i want to be less overt yet louder still. i want to grasp love and hate in healthy doses, understanding their delicate balance. i eagerly look forward to the changes ahead and the struggles within.
