V

"Why won't you die?"

"Because behind this mask is more than flesh.
More than bone.
There's an idea.
And idea's are bulletproof."

I can't shake this, this HAS to be my life. Church planting HAS to be my life, my life has to be a part of this revolution. A counter-culture Christian revolution to counter the culture and bring glory to His name. Idea's are bulletproof. Jesus, make me bulletproof.

little more than useless?

I was thinking, as I walked to the bathroom here at work, that I'm not very useful to the Kingdom. I feel like I'm not winning people to Christ, I'm not effectively leading my lifegroup guys, I'm not doing this right. This is what it feels like, not saying that's the truth. Raising support for this internship is hard, real hard, and I'm not that happy anymore cause life is hard, and I'm partially basing my happiness on my circumstances. JB and I were talking about how during growth, life isn't all that fun. But once you get through it, you go through the fire that God put you through, it gets a lot better. I can't wait for support raising to be over, I just want to spend time with my guys.

I'm not going to make this long and verbose, but I really enjoy who I've become. Not on my own will, mind you, but on God's. It's His progessive answer to my prayer for the past 4 years of my life. Life is gorgeous, and I can't wait to get married, I really can, but I can't wrap my brain around the concept of 'David's wife'. Please check out Explosions In The Sky!'s website, they have a new e.p. out and the free song is incredible. Once again, Explosions making my life more and more beautiful without ever saying a word. Funny how God does the same thing. Man...'david's wife'...I don't get it, but one day i'll be able to die to myself. For her. For my kids. For my church. How exciting! Go and get that mp3!

Agh! I look at people, and I'm so quick to judge, so quick to get on my soapbox, in my heart, and think that I've got it all together and others around me are falling to pieces because they aren't doing things the way that I think they should be done.
I'm rediculous.
I'm human.
I'm me.
And this is where I stand in front of my Lord, with my selfish and judgemental heart in my hands, begging to be reconditioned, like a new baseball glove that you but oil on and stick in the oven to overcome the stubborness and stiffness. Why can't I just look at life and say "hey, it is beautiful, even with this sin"? I don't know why. I want to know why I can't. My eye is so quick to see the sin in others, where is the log that is in my eye? It's got to be in here somewhere, maybe I'll find it in the morning. Maybe I won't be able to see when I wake up until I take it out. Come over, stay longer, I'm tired of this.