confounded, constrained.

"and now, behold, i am going to jerusalem, constrained by the Spirit, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me." -acts 20:22-23

this is EXACTLY how i feel!

well, almost. minus that imprisonment part.

the leaves are turning, glowing again as this new season of faith unveils itself. the Spirit has constrained me, making these next few steps very clear. staff makes so much sense now, realizing the opportunities opening through these means. "david, you don't do staff because you want to be on staff. you go on staff as a means to an end, as a launch pad to something greater." -frank liu. i can preach constantly, i can raise up more men as real men of faith (not to say that i'm anything amazing myself), i can serve the church more, i can coach homegroups, i can home-school my kids, i can move anywhere the Spirit constrains me, i can be completely free for His use. eleven years ago, when i was Regenerated, i would have never, ever thought that i would be a full-time missionary. this does not come without some fears, genuine ones, of what-if's, but the Spirit is stirring, the embers of devotion are swelling with light, the fjord is about to break. i want to be here when it happens.

this temporary departure frightens me too.

alas, "many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." -proverbs 19:21

"but i do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only i may finish my course and the ministry that i received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." -acts 20:24

oh, how earnestly i yearn to assimilate this more fully. i want this to settle deeper, in the hidden corners of my heart. dad, please help me take you at your word all the more, please. if only my faith were the size of a mustard seed, what would happen? what would be different? continue to regenerate this doubtful heart, help me to see this new being you say i am more clearly. remove this faux box that you're in in my mind, help me to see you for who you really are. there is no one else for me, none but jesus, crucified to set me free. so shall it be.